11 August 2010

Come Together Right Now, Over The Notes From The News

My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives. But enough about your sister's webcam show, on with the newsnotes!

Us Magazine has broken the news that former alterna-rock queen and irony misunderstander Alanis Morisette is pregnant via her husband, whitebread rapper Souleye. You may now commence with a series of jokes about how it all started with her going down on him in a theater . . . 

Site favorite the A. V. Club has put up their recap of the weekend long madhouse that is Lollapalooza. it's their usual blend of comprehensive coverage and semi-amusing snark, combined with obsessing about tattoos and idle chatter having little to do with the subject at hand. And that's before you even get to the comments section!

 So the entire internet fell in love yesterday . . . with "Jenny DryErase," the girl everyone thought quit her job via a hilarious online slideshow . . . only she really didn't because she's really an actress, and the two guys who hired her are responsible for a series of online pranks and hoaxes. TechCrunch has the skinny. And for all those clamoring for Jenny DryErase to appear on Playboy? You know, they have breasts on the internet now. Check it out. 

The A. V. Club is reporting that People is reporting that Jennifer Lopez has been booted from American Idol because her demands have become too . . . demanding, I guess. Her negotiations with Fox have not been made public, but sources claim that she was asking for the equivalent of the Jennifer Lopez American Idol Show, and the network wasn't having any of it. So here you have it, folks: Someone so over the top in their solipsism, even the Fox Network doesn't want them. Fox is reportedly reconsidering making offers to previous candidates Elton John, Harry Connick, Jr., and Zippy The Pinhead, who is fictional but will at least work cheap. 

Portia de Rossi has filed court papers to have her name legally changed to Portia Degeneres. I have no joke here, I just want to wish the happy couple good luck in their endeavors, and that Portia can finally land a role in a series that lasts longer than a season and a half.

Not news: Comic book found. Still not really news: Comic book found in old sock drawer. Actually news: Comic book is a rare copy of Batman #1 and is about to sell at auction for the price of a new car. Yes, I will wait while you go check your drawers . . . except you, Matt. Put your pants back on NOW.

Okay, all you creepazoids who have been waiting for Emma Watson to grow up and get all sessy-like, you may be about to get your sweaty little wishes fulfilled. Emma is reputedly campaigning for the role of Lisabeth in the American production of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. She's already auditioned with David Fincher, in fact. Given that Lisabeth has a lot of racy scenes in the book, including a very graphic and violent sex scene, we may be about to see Hermione Granger in a whole new light. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go hose down the entire internet. 

Courtney Love has looked up long enough from her twin mountains of cocaine and heroin and has informed the world that her daughter Frances Bean was TOTALLY offered the role of Bella in the Twilight movies, but she TOTALLY turned them down because she's, like, not a fame whore or anything . . . despite, apparently, her drugged out and far gone mother's ceaseless attempts to turn her into one.  

And finally, the Julie Taymor/U2 trainwreck -- um, musical -- Spider-Man: Bring On the Dark, which was on, then off, then on again, then off again, is now on again. The play had run into trouble with finances, a rotating door attached to the cast, and most importantly trying to figure out how to fit Bono's massively douchetastic ego into the theater. All these problems have now been solved, and the play is set to open in December. We here at Nighthawk Postcards would like to sum up our reactions thusly:

Well, that's it. Have a good one, see you tomorrow, and don't take any wooden Indians!

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