10 August 2010

Drop Your Socks And Grab Your Notes From The News

Slow day in the world of wackness, folks. But your humble blogger has scoured the intertubes and found you your daily dose of doofery:

Jay-Z has some kind of mutant memoir/lyrics collection due out in November. The book is called Decoded and it's going to be part true life confessional, part non-spoken poetry slam, and part public therapy session. Watch for it to hit shelves on 11/16 and thoroughly confuse readers on 11/17.

The Parents Television Council, who have taken a break from trying to figure out where they lost the apostrophe that's supposed to go in their name, is demanding that CBS' advertisers and affiliates drop the new William Shatner sitcom $%@! My Dad Says because of the expletive in the title -- even though the expletive is never once spoken during the show or during the promos for the show. What's The Shat's take on all this? "Do you know what I wish? I wish they would call it Shit." Well, maybe when the critics get a hold of it, Bill. Maybe then.

This weekend at Lollapalooza Lady Gaga got nearly naked during Semi Precious Weapons' set and crowd surfed with their frontman while shaving a marmoset and wiping her nose with Justin Bieber's jock strap and blah blah gloob glub glob bobbedeh bobbedeh hoedaddy bloooooooooooo and you stopped reading this when you got to the words "nearly naked," didn't you? (Warning: article slideshow is seriously NSFW. Bet you wish you'd read this far now, eh cubefarmers?)

Sturgis LIKES you, PeeWee. LIKES.

Because Weezer just hasn't sucked enough lately, and because Rivers Cuomo feels he hasn't given us a decent dose of WTF lately . . . well . . . oh man. All I can tell you is that they added two unnecessary letters to the end of their new album title. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sacrifice at the porcelain altar.

This just in: Reese Witherspoon will be playing the legendary Peggy Lee in a new biopic to be directed by Nora Ephron. Pajiba rightly points out that this looks like total Oscar bait. What they don't point out is Reese WitherspooOM NOM NOM NOM NOM, whoops, sorry, got carried away there. But let's face it, OM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

We're gonna party like it's 1984, dept: Rumors are swirling that Van Halen is reuniting and heading back into the studio to record a new album. Who wins on the Lead Singer Wheel 'O' Mystery this time? None other than your favorite and mine, Gary Cherro . . . naaaaaa, I'm kidding. Supposedly it's David Lee Roth, because you know, that worked so well the last two times they tried recording with him. So where's Sammy Hagar? Somewhere in Cabo waiting desperately for his phone to ring. (Late word is reaching me that this rumor might not have legs. I'll keep on it and let you know.)

And finally, Morgan Freeman has kitted out Batman with all his wonderful toys, he's gotten busy livin' instead of gettin' busy dyin', he's been the president, he's channeled Nelson Mandela, and he's played the most politically correct version of God yet committed to film. So how do you top that? Well, Morgan's doing it by starring with Harry Connick, Jr. and Ashley Judd in A Dolphin's Tale, where Freeman's character will save the day by building a cybernetic tail for a dolphin. And I just have to close with that because seriously, MORGAN FREEMAN WILL BUILD ROBOT DOLPHIN TAILS. You can retire happy on that shit, man.

That's it for now. Be good to each other, or the OONTZ OONTZ POLIS will come for your sorry ass:

Peace out babies!

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