20 August 2010

I Wanna Tell You How It's Gonna Be, You're Gonna Give Your Notes From The News To Me

Hey howdy, cowpokes! The little cowboy is feeling much better today, so I'm getting back on my own dead horse and beating it for a while. Thanks very much for your patience yesterday -- except for you, Arthur. Here now the news.

Heatvision reports that there will be no Mary Jane in the new Spider-Man movie. Guess they're going to stick with coke and smack this time. Okay, really: Spidey's longtime love interest and retconned-out wife has been given the kibosh in the reboot script . . . along with, according to some sources,  Aunt May. Yep. Aunt May could be gone. Director Marc Webb may have taken one of the cornerstones of the Spider-Man comics and dropped her down the sewer. Aren't you glad now that Sam Raimi isn't involved with these films any more?

The international trailer for Meet the Fockers is out, and  . . . oh god. Oh dear God, no. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no. Please. No. Oh sweet merciful fuck I want to hurt this trailer. I want to hurt this movie. I want to hurt it and everyone involved with making it . . . and then I want to nurse them back to health and hurt them all over again. GOD DAMN YOU. GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HEEEEEELLLLLLLL.

Okay, I went and had a good cry and stomped on some pigeons, and I feel better now. I'm strong enough, I think, to tell you that Chelsea Handler will bring some of her class . . . um, no, her talent . . . um, well, whatever the fuck she brings . . . to the MTV VMA ceremonies this year. Congratulations, Chelsea, and be careful not to talk over Kanye West if you can help it. He just hates to be interrupted.

Speaking of interruptions, either Joe Perry and Steven Tyler of Aerosmith fame aren't getting along, or they're auditioning for a remake of The Sunshine Boys, because Perry shoved Tyler off the stage at a recent Areosmith performance, following which Tyler cracked Perry in the head with a microphone stand. And yes, there is video of this. Dude fights like a lady.

Details of the new Torchwood series are emerging, and it looks interesting. Difficulty: the new main character has yet to be cast, and they start filming very soon. Difficultier difficulty: Mainstream American audiences have always been resistant to BBC science fiction shows. Will Captain Jack be the first to break that mold? Or will he shag it first, and then break it?

Humanitarian, philanthropist, and all around nice guy Joe Francis is suing the producers of Piranha 3D for even daring to suggest that he might be a selfish sleazeball douchebag porn merchant who deserves to have his junk bitten off by the spindly Amazonian killer fish. Surely Joe, who has never been in legal trouble in his life, and has never ever EVER been associated with trouble in his life, deserves better treatment than this. Surely.

Pajiba says that there will be no Machete sequels and Robert Rodriguez needs to shut the fuck up about them, because nobody's going to go see Machete in the first place . . . and you know, it's kind of hard to find fault with that logic. Because logic has nothing to do with it.

So Courtney Love's daughter Frances turned 18 the other day, and Courtney honored her coming of age by throwing her a lavish party and showering her with love and congratulatory gifts . . . nah, just kidding. Ole Courtney had a messy, passive-aggressive meltdown on Twitter, screeching in 140 character intervals about their relationship (or lack thereof) with each other, and how Frances needs to RUN from her guardians now that she's an adult . . . presumably so she can screw up her life and turn into a drug-addled bi-polar lunatic just like her mom. I can just imagine what Courtney's getting next year for Mother's Day.

The gift that keeps on giving, dept: Maggie Gyllenhaal is slated to star in a romantic comedy/period film about the invention of the vibrator. No, seriously. What, why would I shit you about something like that? I mean, maybe on April 1st, but come on now. It's August, and it's too goddamn hot for shenanigans. Though not for picturing Maggie Gyllenhaaal with a vibra -- nahhhhh, my wife reads this, I'd better not.

Mark Wahlberg just can't keep his hands off the porn: HBO is developing a one-hour drama about the adult film industry under Wahlberg. And then on top of Wahlberg. And then with Wahlberg behind it going "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RIDE EM COWBOY!!!!!"

And that's it from me.More than enough from me, really. In closing I leave you with Snoop Dogg and a sea lion, because this is easily the most delightful, mind-crogglingly WTF image you will see this week:

Peace out!

1 comment:

  1. "Chelsea Handler will bring some of her.."

    ... lice? STDs? 349 cats?