13 August 2010

If It Wasn't For Bad Luck, I'd Have No Notes From The News

Well, it's Friday the 13th and so far a black cat crossing my path has broken a mirror while I walked under a ladder and lit three on a match, but so far it doesn't seem to have had any ill effect, unless you count having to read the first story in today's batch of bumpers:

Warner Bros. Studios are developing a new live action/CG movie. Its title? Bugs Bunny. Yep, the studio is going to Garfield-ize one of the most beloved cartoon characters of all time in a sorry, misguided attempt to make him seem "hip" and "relevant" and "edgy" and other "attributes" that "belong" in "quotations." In other news, Warner Bros. executives are planning on digging up the bodies of Chuck Jones, Friz Freleng, Tex Avery, Bob Clampett, Bob McKimson, Mike Maltese, Tedd Pierce, and Mel Blanc, and desecrating them in the hopes that it will somehow net them outrageous amounts of cash. In other other news, fuck Warner Bros. with a great big fucking fuckety fuckstick.

Speaking of badly fucked things, Dina Lohan went on the Today Show to talk about daughter Lindsay's rehabilitation (we will pause here for you to laugh however long and hard you wish to laugh), and how people who think the worst of ole Linds are falling for a lot of "pre-orchestrated" bushwah -- because you know, all that shit about La Lohan's public drunkenness, sleeping around, vagflashing, and the coked-out kidnapping of people in a stolen minivan to engage in a high-speed chase after some other poor loser are all just horrible LIES the press has planted to turn the entire world against her meal ticket -- um, daughter.

Speaking of meal tickets, the sluttification of Miley Cyrus continues, as Celebitchy reports that the artist formerly known as Hannah Montana is insisting on getting breast implants . . . and we're not just talking about a Kate Hudson going from aspirin on an ironing board to something that looks reasonably girlish deal here, either. Miley wants to get D cups, folks. Miley is seventeen and wants to get porn star breasticles. And if you were wondering what her upstanding, socially-conservative family-values parents think of all this? They're behind her 100% --and they'd better get used to that, because pretty soon there won't be any room in front of her.

Speaking of having room in front, Emma Watson talks about how shooting one scene in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows kept her wet a good deal of the time. You there, put that back, that's not what I meant. Jeez, what IS it with you people?

Speaking of getting one's hopes up, here's an unexpectedly cool thing: Pushing Daisies creator Byan Fuller has been tapped to adapt the classic John Christopher science fiction novel The Lotus Caves for television. And here's a predictably bad thing: he's doing it for cable network SyFy, with everything that implies. Sorry Bryan, better luck next time.

Speaking of luck, here's a very cool thing indeed: The grandson of J. R. R. Tolkien and the great-great grandson of Charles Dickens are collaborating on a new audiobook version of the classic children's fantasy, The Rose-Coloured Wish. That papers-rustling sound you just heard was every litera-phile in the world Bilbo-ing all over their Great Expectations.

Speaking of great expectations, Ryan Reynolds, who is playing Green Lantern in one upcoming movie, and is slated to revisit the role of Deadpool in another, may be adding a third starring role in a comic book adaptation to his resume, making for a rare hat trick.The project this time is an adaptation of Dark Horse's R.P.I.D. And since I know nothing about that particular comic, I will leave it to those who are nerdier than I am (there are a few) to decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing that is about to happen.

Speaking of  bad things about to happen, Filmdrunk reports that Craig Clevenger, author of hot property The Contortionist's Handbook, has seen the script for the film adaptation of his novel, and he's most assuredly tying himself in knots over its quality. It is, in his memorable words, "a Hollywood goatfuck." [Insert Lindsay Lohan joke here.]

Speaking of played out jokes, Kanye West is officially returning to the MTV VMAs, this time as a performer since he has suck an everfucking desire to get up on that goddamn stage and blather about whatever enters his ghetto-drunk brain.  If there's any justice Taylor Swift and Beyonce will bum rush the show with samurai swords and slice 'Ye's dick off.

And speaking of samurai, the A. V. Club has posted a new addition to its long-running and well-done Primer series, and the subject this time the subject is the great Akira Kurosawa, director of Rashomon, Seven Samurai, Ikiru, Yojimbo, Sanjuro, Ran, and a host of other great films. If you're at all curious about good movies and ever wanted to learn more about the man who influenced a cadre of modern filmmakers, including Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, then you could do worse that click this link.

And speaking of George Lucas:

That's all from me. Have a good weekend, and I'll be back Monday with more sarcasm and random shit. Excelsior!

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