16 August 2010

Picture A Bright Blue Ball Just Spinning, Spinning Free, Dizzy With The Notes From the News

Howdy dee, howdy doo! Had a good, good weekend, spent time with my in-laws and some out of town friends, and revealed some most excellent news that I will wait until the end of this post to drop on y'all. So, in order to get you that much close to the reveal, here now the newsnotes:

Neil Patrick Harris and his partner have announced that they are expecting twins, which is thoroughly awesome. Not sure how the biology of all this works out as Neil and his partner are both guys, but I'm sure they must have everything worked out to their satisfaction. (I'm joking, please don't send me snippy emails.)

One door opens, one door closes dept.: Unfortunately, Zsa Zsa Gabor's condition has taken a turn for the worse. She's now in serious condition and has asked for and been given last rites. And for those of you who don't know who Zsa Zsa Gabor is, go read a goddamn book you fucking troglodytes. Still wishing Zsa Zsa as speedy a recovery as is possible, and keeping my fingers crossed for her.

One door closes, one door has been closed for fucking ever dept.: Elvis Presley has now been dead for 33 years, only seven years less than your humble blogger has been alive on this earth. Pardon me while I take a second to reflect soberly on that. (Pause.) Thank you, now back to the relentless snark and mean-spiritedness. In the case of Elvis, let me just note that more people are making more money off his dead ass now than Elvis ever made when he was alive, and that far too many people think he is still alive out there somewhere, living a happy life working as a gas station attendant or some dumb shit like that. Nuh uh. He's gone to Heart Attack Hotel, babies. Sorry.

Meanwhile, in today's edition of "This Whole Star Wars Thing Has Gone On Long Enough, Assholes," former Lucas writing partner and co-producer Gary Kurtz sat down for an LA Times interview in which he talks about the way Return of the Jedi could have gone, had George Lucas not decided to heed the dollar signs flashing in his beady little eyes. Just think: no Ewoks, no gushingly happy ending, and most importantly no galactic rave party in the so-called "Special Edition" which wasn't really all that special. And maybe, just maybe, no god damn Chewbacca doing the Tarzan yell in the forest battle. Because seriously, fuck George Lucas.

The Arcade Fire has annnounced a series of North American tour dates for this fall. They seem to be sticking to Canada and California, which I guess are still part of North America. *shrug* The band has been playing some fantastic shows lately, killing crowds at Madison Square Garden and at Lollapalooza, so expectations are high for this tour, And most of the audience will probably be high too. (Thanks, I'll be here all week, try your waitress, tip the veal.)

Katie Holmes holsters her prominent nipples to conduct an interview and do some high kicking for New York Magazine, in which she talks about a variety of subjects, including how her daughter Suri is getting home-schooled so she can be sure to get a full adult dose of Scientological Batshit by the time she's eighteen. Poor kid. won't be long before she's jumping on couches in front of a live stuidio audience just like her old man.

Site favorite the A. V. Club is reporting via Rolling Stone (which I refuse to link to because they want me to sign up for their website, and I have enough respect for what Rolling Stone used to be that I'm not kissing Jann Wenner's digital ass), some news that falls into the "so goddamn insane it might actually work" category. Justin Vernon, better known to indie fans, lovers of autotune, and hipster douchebags as Bon Iver, is reputed to be guesting on Kanye West's new album. Apparently the two became fast friends after 'Ye flew him out to Hawaii to rerecord the vocals from a previously released Bon Iver song for a cut on the new disc. And I have to admit, if someone flew me to Hawaii I'd be their best buddy too.  

Many miles away, someone blows out their candles at the bottom of a dark Russian lake.

And finally, Justin Beiber is a complete and total douchewaffle. How do I know? Well, he or someone in his organization tweeted the phone number of an online enemy, and chaos ensued. To the tune of ten thousand text messages and who knows how many phone calls. And The kid involved, who I won't name here but about whom you can learn in this handily linked Gawker.com article, has had to shut down his Twitter account and basically go into hiding. Meanwhile the Biebmeister, who has apparently recovered from his water bottle face-pasting of recent note, has said nothing about inciting what essentially amounts to a case of online harassment.  Yeah . . . this kid's career has legs.

And speaking of kids, your correspondent in snark and his loving, lovely wife are officially announcing that we are expecting our second child. Thank you, thank you, I'm very proud of having successful spermatozoa.

What does my fellow expectant father Neil Patrick Harris think of this?

He's been doing this to me for thirty-two hours now. PLEASE MAKE HIM STOP.


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