25 August 2010

Workin' On The Night Moves, Tryin' To Make Some Front Page Drive In The Notes From The News

Whazzup? Your humble blogginator has a cold, but neither sniffles nor sneezles nor snottums will stay this snarkmonger from his appointed bullshit. So, without further ado . . .

Been a hell of a week for the reaper, and now a sad week for anime enthusiasts: word reached this side of the Pacific late yesterday that renowned director Satoishi Kon, director of mindbending films like Perfect Blue, Paprika, and the award-winning critical darling Millennium Actress, passed away at the far-too-young age of 47. Associates and fellow animators report Kon was fighting cancer. I've seen several of Kon's films, and I can confirm that this is a tragic loss for the genre. It's sad that he will no longer be around to see his peculiar and amazing visions grace the screen -- but there's hope that his latest (and now last) feature, The Dreaming Machine, was close enough to completion to meet its release date later this year. Time will tell. Until then, this site would like to bid a fond farewell to Kon, and to contemplate a weekend of his movies as a tribute.

Dark Knight screenwriter David Goyer is, besides being on tap to write the new Batman script and the Superman re-imagining for Warner Bros., is also writing a trilogy of science-fiction novels with author Michael Cassutt. Details are scant, but the first book, which Goyer is also adapting for the screen for WB, is apparently about the discovery of an alien species hurtling toward Earth. What is Warner Bros. paying Goyer for just the adaptation? Seven figures. Hopefully Goyer's contract contains a clause specifying that his family will get the money when he drops dead from exhaustion.

Pajiba reports that, not being satisfied with making a bajillion dollars portraying the same emotionally stunted man-child in every single film, Adam Sandler has decided that he is going to lay waste to the careers of Katie Holmes and Al Pacino, both of whom are slated to co-star in his new film Jack and Jill, in which Sandler plays Jack . . . and Jill. Yeah, you read that right. Sandler in drag. You may commence weeping for the soul of humanity . . . now.

Speaking of ruined careers, Lindsay Lohan was released from rehab today. Her release came early, much like she was released from jail early. And most likely she'll be released from life early too unless her dumb irresponsible ass starts getting some serious lessons about the consequences of her actions. Not that that's likely to happen. Wonder if CNN has an obit at the ready for her? Ah well. At least now Lindsay will be free to play porn queen Linda Lovelace, surely a dream role for any coked-out wreck of an actress.

Speaking of porn queens, Apparently Laurence Fishburne's daughter Montana is not as estranged from her dear old dad as was originally reported. Seems that Laurence is secretly -- or maybe not so secretly, considering that TMZ was able to figure this out (and post it in an article whose URL is one of the best word salad links ever) -- footing her legal bills on an assault charge, on the assumption that it will help her straighten her life out. That's very sweet, even though it doesn't have a hope in hell of working given Montana's regret-free attitude towards her life choices thus far. Wonder if she's met Lindsay. I bet the two of them could really hit it off.

Yes, they're making an "Angry Birds" movie. A movie about an iTunes Store app. Hollywood is not only officially out of original ideas, they're out of unoriginal ones.

As further evidence of this, I point you to the fact that Eli Roth is now directing Thanksgiving, a feature film based on the jokey trailer he contributed to Quentin The Human Chin Tarantino's Grindhouse project. because Machete wasn't bad enough, now we have the Bear Jew's mutant brainchild to contend with as well. Thanks loads, Quentin.

Speaking of trailers, the teaser trailer for Slumdog Millionare Danny Boyle's new project is out. 127 Hours stars James Franco, and tells the tale of a young rock climber whose dad goes batshit insane and tries to kill Spider-Man after gaining super-powers. Wait, that's not right . . .

And finally, speaking of not right, a still from Sean Penn's new movie This Must Be the Place has hit the web, and AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHH HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK HIDE THE CHILDREN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HIDE THE CHILDREN!!!!

Okay, that's all I can stands, I can't stands no more. Have a good night kids. I leave you with an altogether more inspiring picture:



 Thanks, Neil.

Good night, all. Hopefully I'll be feeling better tomorrow and will come armed with actual jokes.

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