13 September 2010

Idiot Wind, Blowing Through The Buttons Of Our Coats, Blowing Through The Notes From The News

Hey there everyone. Today was a nice ripe slice of Hell. But I'm home now, home where I can slip into the bathtub with a good book and an ice cold martini, and curl into a fetal position and cry. But before I allow my personal issues to completely overtake what little sanity I have, here now the news:

Leading off with a few items about the VMAs: First, here's a liveblog of the show by a drunken and frequently hilarious Jeremy Feist. Start at the bottom and work your way up (Matt, stop drooling and put your pants back on) for maximum effectiveness.

Welcome to post-racial Amrerica, dept.: Will.i.am of the Blackeyed Peas was incredulously forced to defend appearing in black makeup and a what looked like a remaindered gimp suit at last night's VMAs . . . and I hate to say it, but the guy has a point. Now if he'd just come up with an adequate defense for Fergie.

Meat depress, dept: Stefani Germanotta (aka Lady Gaga to those of you who think that's an actual name humans would use) wore a dress made out of meat on the VMAs last night. Yeah, you read that correctly: a dress made out of meat. With matching hat. Somewhere out there, in the infinite void, Andy Warhol and Divine are having a drink together and laughing their asses off.

Oh, and Ms. Germanotta also won a whopping EIGHT VMAs, proving once and for all that stealing other peoples' schtick and generating phony controversy about one's appearance, personal habits, and sexuality is a surefire route to mainstream success.

Moving on to something more productive, Pajiba's Agent Bedhead does a long-overdue career assessment on Milla Jovovovovovovovitch here.

I don't want to go on the cart, dept., Part One: Character actor Glenn Shadix has passed away. Don't know who he is? You ought to. He's been in a lot of movies. Does the name Otho mean anything to you? You'll be missed, Glenn.

Mario Lopez apparently saw too much during the birth of his daughter, comparing what was going on to being like a CSI episode. Hey Mario, congratulations -- and hey, look at it this way: at least it wasn't like one of the Alien movies.

I don't want to go on the cart, dept., Part Two: Prolific veteran stage and screen actor Kevin McCarthy, best known for his starring role in the original Invasion of the Body Snatchers, has died at the well-rounded age of 96. He maybe wasn't one of the greats -- but maybe he should have been. Godspeed, Kevin. 

Looks like Joaquin Phoenix will make a return appearance on the David Letterman show on September 22. Maybe this time instead of pretending to be a human train wreck, Joaquin can pretend to be a talented actor. And maybe at some point I can be bothered to care. but not this time.

I don't want to go on the cart, dept., Part Three: Claude Chabrol, one of the leading lights of French cinema, has died at the age of eighty. I have not seen a single one of his films, but given the accolades pouring out in the wake of his death, maybe I should. And maybe you should too.  

And now, presenting the Tim & Eric Awesome Holday Road Show, Great Job! for those of you who want to squirm uncomfortably in the face of their unfunny humor in person. Because I know that's how I want to spend my holidays. 

. . . and that's it from me, I gotta go. My ride is here:

Having no seat belts is a bitch, but it beats the fuck out of being stuck in traffic!


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