17 September 2010

Lady Madonna, Lying on the bed, listening to the Notes From The News playing in your head

Howdy doodle, all you cool cats and kittens. Another week has come and gone and beaten me into a whimpering shell of my former self, and the new Track By Track column still isn't finished (I'm working on it, I swear!) due to complete mental exhaustion on my part, combined with an inability to say anything new about the spectacular, soul-stitrring work of one Perry Como. (One of those statements is a lie. I leave it to you to deduce which.) But the wonderful weird world goes on turning whether I'm brain dead or not, and so I have the usual bevy of bumpers for you:

Well, it looks like jail time and rehab has done Lindsay Lohan a world of good. She's clean and sober and helps old ladies across the street and is considering going to a convent and becoming a nun -- NAAAAHHH, I'm just bullshitting you. She's back to the same old crap. Anyone have December picked out for her in the Dead Pool yet?

Candace Bergen has been stunt-cast for the new season off House in a desperate attempt to regain some of the momentum the show lost last season. She will be featured in a multi-episode story arc as Cuddy's mother. Look for Candace to appear starting in January, and look for her to make a pass at House sometime in February just in time for Sweeps. 

Would you believe there's nothing out there asleep, and nothing's cool, dept: Casey Affleck has admitted publicly that Joaquin Phoenix's asinine behavior for much of the last year as been an act. Not an especially good or entertaining act, but an act nonetheless. Congratulations Joaquin you assclown. I hope you're happy now that you've utterly destroyed your career with your stupid little prank, you no-talent shit-weasel.

Queen guitarist Brian May has confirmed that Sacha Baron Cohen will play Freddie Mercury in an upcoming biopic about the legendary rock frontman. This is actually some of the most intriguing casting news I've heard in a long time, and I'm willing to bet Cohen busts his prankster ass to do a good job with it.

There IS a god, dept.: Keanu Reeves reports that the proposed Cowboy Bebop film that would have hopelessly miscast him as laconic antihero Spike Spiegel has said, "See you space cowboy." Apparently the script that was turned in would have cost something on the order of $500 million to produce, and seriously, nobody's going to pay to see Reeves in thhat movie anyway, so everyone involved wisely said "fuck it" and moved on with their lives. Which means that there's probably not going to be any live action Bebop movie for a while to come. Sorry, otaku. But at least you can still blame Neo for it. 

PROTIP: Aspiring authors, please note: When a book festival actually thinks enough of you to move its start date to accommodate your schedule, turning around and canceling for "health reasons" three weeks before your appearance date, yet not canceling appearances on dates surrounding the festival, is a REAL DOUCHE MOVE. Rebecca Skloot, you just lost yourself a shitload of potential readers.

I'll have two of whatever he's having, dept.: Armond White, the trollingest troll who ever trolled, and who gets paid for it no less, says that Resident Evil: Afterlife is totally the best movie ever, man, and that Avatar and Inception are weaksauce shit compared to it. Armond then hit the crack pipe a few more times before shooting heroin directly into his eyeballs and then hooking his nuts up to a battery charger and screaming "I"M READY FOR YOU NOW MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"*

The upcoming book Night of the Living Trekkies has a trailer. On the one hand, zombies have really been seriously played out at this point. On the other, fuck that shit. This looks hilarious.

I wish I could tell you that Morgan fought the good fight, and the Lawyers let him be. I wish I could tell you that -- but divorce is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - married life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Morgan would show up with fresh movies. The Lawyers kept at him -- sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for Morgan -- that was his routine. I do believe those last two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this divorce would have got the best of him.

Leonardo DiCaprio spent about $400 for a new pet -- an exotic tortoise that can live for up to 80 years. So this pet will actually, seriously outlive Leo, and most of his movies. An elegant solution for keeping track of reality. BRRAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMM . . . 

And that's that for the week. Hope you had a better one than I did. be excellent to each other, have a good Yom Kippur if you're Kippuring. As for me, now is the time on nighthawk Postcards when we go shopping:


. . . and dance.

See you all on Monday!

*The above is satire. This did not actually happen. Armond White has no mother.

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