14 September 2010

Long Distance Runner, What You Standin' There For? Get Up Get Up, Get Your Notes From The News Out The Door

Greetings and felicitations, fellow intertubers! I realize yesterday's installment was something of a downer, what with all the talk of death, and more death, and Lady Gaga in a meat dress. Bur sometimes that's just the way I roll. And sometimes the next day is better than the day before. Which probably isn't the case here, but even so, I present the day's newsnotes in handy bumper form:

Lightning crashes, dept.: After all the talk of people meeting their demise yesterday, it pleases me no end to travel to the other side of the scale and announce that Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are expecting their first child. Congratulations to the happy couple. Based on the parentage this may well be one of the most genetically perfect children on earth.

Bill Maher says nobody voted for him to win an Emmy because it has something to do with his being an atheist. Actually Bill, it's got something to do with the fact that you're an asshole douchebag twatwaffle whom nobody really likes. But don't let that interfere with your solipsism.

Your filmography is non-non-non-non-heinous, dept.: Keanu Reeves is slated to star in Generation Um, a movie about characters on the fringe who do a shitload of drugs, get wasted, and then get introspective. Apparently the title was changed from its original, My Own Private Ripoff.

This just in: John Mayer has canceled his Twitter account, on account of . . . well, nobody knows exactly, but it might have something to do with him regularly saying incredibly stupid shit on Twitter. In related news, please note that my Twitter account is still up and running, is mostly free of stupid shit, and you are welcome to follow me. NOT THAT THAT'S A HINT OR ANYTHING (wink wink grin grin nudge nudge say no more). 

David Schwimmer is returning to his roots as a serious actor (no, really) in the film Trust, a story about rape which premiered at the Toronto International Film Festival. I was all set to make a really bad joke here, but the subject matter is very serious and Schwimmer is serious about it, so instead I'm just going to give him some extra visibility and tell you to go read the article.

Matthew McConaughey is set to play a hitman in the "comedy" Killer Joe, in what sounds like yet another weed-scented attempt to revive his sagging career.

Gawker.com tells you what to read this fall, which is a laugh, because everyone knows that bitchy little websites don't have any influence and are just an excuse for bitter little people to vent their overflowing spleens on an unsuspecting publi -- hey, wait a minute . . . 

Sofia Vergara is interviewed in the new issue of Narcissist -- um, sorry, Self -- and talks about coming to terms with her sexy body. *puts on Groucho glasses* I soitainly would've enjoyed being the arbitrator for those negotiations. *waggles eyebrows*

Kid Rock appeared in court today in Decatur, GA in connection with a lawsuit filed against him over a fight in a Waffle House restaurant, because of fucking course he is. Where else would he get into a fight? The only reason this dude doesn't have a car up on blocks in his front yard is because he pays someone else to have one in theirs.

Eleventh man on the moon, dept.: Martin Scorcese, Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, and Joe Pesci might be making a movie about . . . waaaaaait for it . . . mobsters! DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNN *gasp!* I tell you, I just don't know where Marty gets his ideas. 

And finally, In what is surely not at all a sign that cable TV is desperate for content, content, CONTENT DAMMIT GIMME CONTENT, Lifetime is making a two hour TV movie . . . out of a fucking Garth Brooks song. I think you'll all agree with me when I say AAARRGGGGHHHGRBRGBBRGBRGBRBGBGRBRBRBGRGBRG*explodes*

Well, that's it from me. I have to go check the back yard, because I think I left the gate open when I let the dog out . . . 

. . . shit.

Have a good night!

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