23 September 2010

On a boat in the middle of a raging sea, she would make a scene for it all to be the Notes From The News

Good afternoon, and welcome to Nighthawk Postcards. I'm your host, please have a seat, the waiter will be along shortly to spill your drinks in your lap. We have a fine selection of newsnotes available today; may I be so bold as to recommend the ridiculous court decision with a side of snark to start, followed perhaps by a main course of actor thinks he's brilliant when he's really a douchebag? Yes? Excellent. Let's begin, then -- I see that your drinks have arrived. Ooops! Here, let me get you a towel as you read:

A judge has ruled that the Steven Spielberg-produced movie Disturbia somehow did not steal the plot of Hitchcock's Rear Window, in spite of the fact that when you watch the movies one after the other it's pretty obvious that it did and that Disturbia sucks sulfurous egg salad out of a monkey's ass. Apparently the judge must have thought there was precedent in hacks ripping off Hitchcock after watching Body Double and Dressed to Kill.

Joaquin Phoenix went on Letterman last night to confirm what everyone with half a brain in their head has known for the last fucking year anyway: namely, that his "decision" to "quit" acting and start a "rapping career" was so much "bullshit" cooked up by Phoenix and "Casey Affleck" as a "joke" against "Hollywood," and why can't I "stop" using "quotations?" Anyway, Phoenix stressed that Letterman wasn't in on the joke -- even though one of David's producers already said that Dave knew about it from start to finish, so Phoenix is still incapable of being truthful about his bullshit little comedy routine. If there is any justice at all in this world then somewhere, Andy Kaufman is getting ready to end his "death" just so he can come back and beat the snot out of Joaquin Phoenix's smug, smirking face with a Louisville Slugger.

Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler have been officially installed as the new judges on the upcoming season of American Idol. In related news, I would like to announce that I will be setting fire to my copy of Toys In the Attic as a sacrificial offering to appease the god of What The Fuck Were You Thinking, Steven?

Master animation director Hayao Miyazaki (Princess Mononoke, Spirited Away, Ponyo) says that Studio Ghibli may go out of business, depending on the success of its next two films in the United States. Given that Ghibli's films have done about  $10-15 million in business on average here and about ten times that much business worldwide, Miyazaki's statement seems kind of odd and doesn't make much sense . . . not unlike a lot of anime, really. So, par for the course?

Carla Gugino will join Jim Carrey in filming the sounds-obscene-but-actually-
isn't family film Mr. Popper's Penguins. The movie is adapted from the well regarded children's book, and is basically another excuse to let overgrown man-boy Jim Carrey pretend he's a good actor by allowing him to over-emote, work his face like a burlesque dancer on bennies works a feather boa, and chew every bit of scenery he can clamp his teeth onto. Lots of  luck there, Carla.
Site favorite Courtney Enlow chimes in on Pajiba with her two cents about Lindsay Lohan's new round of trouble goddamn stupidity, and points out that there is at least one person involved in this mess who is every bit to blame and as irresponsible as Lindsay is . . . but you'll have to click through and read it for yourself. because I'm a bitch that way.

Fifty years or so ago, cognac was the reserved province of well to do white men who collected vintage bottles and made an entire connosieurs' club out of it. Now, in a delightful act of reverse cultural appropriation, hip hop artists and urban black males have become the primary drinkers and purchasers of cognac, to the point where Kanye West was guzzling from a cheap ass bottle of it the night he charged the stage at the VMAs last year and made an ass of himself. Now, Dr. Dre has a signature line of cognac due out later this month, so things will come full circle: white suburban males who drive Hummers and are insecure about the size of their dicks can feel just like drunk-ass rap stars. Meanwhile, I'll be over here having a glass of good scotch and wondering when the fuck I became that "get off my lawn" guy.

Kevin Smith continues his long string of fucking up actors' careers by luring them into the schlocktacular cinematic landfills he calls his movies. This time the victims are John Goodman, Kevin Pollack, Michael Angarano, Kyle Gallner, Stephen Root and Oscar nominee Melissa Leo, all of whom start filming Smith's Red State this week. The movie is about a baptist minister who . . . ehhhh . . . ah, fuck it. You know what, I don't care. Smith hasn't made a good movie in years (read: ever). So there's no point in recapping this one for you.

Noted woman of letters Courtney Love, who is also a woman of needles, pipes, and shrill, unlistenable pseudo-punk, is writing a piece for the New Yorker. Only the New Yorker apparently doesn't know that. Surprise! 

One of these things is not like the other, dept.: The producers of Sesame Street have, in a rare display of common sense and propriety in the Elmo Era, decided not to run a clip of Katy Perry and the Elmster singing a song called "Hot N' Cold" on the show. Whether this had to do with the quality of the song, the potential for the high shrill and annoying factor of Katy and Elmo being in the same scene together actually exploding children's faces, or the fact that Katy's tits were practically slapping Elmo in his Muppety little head the entire time because they were blobbing out of her bustier, we do not know. But thank you, Sesame Street, for preventing parents everywhere from having to throw bricks through their TV sets.

And finally: Facebook CEO, sweetheart of a human being, compassionate Boy Scout and NOT AT ALL AN OPPORTUNISTIC, SELFISH SOCIOPATHIC DOUCHEWAFFLE Mark Zuckerberg is creating a $100 million dollar challenge grant for Newark, NJ schools in order to help them perform better. The fact that this is perfectly timed to coincide with the release of the film The Social Network, which TOTALLY UNFAIRLY paints Mark as a power-hungry ass-wookie with no regard for anyone around him, is surely a coincidence. Surely! because MARK IS A REALLY NICE GUY, WE SWEAR. You believe us, don't you?

Well, I guess I better go log onto Facebook and see if I still have an account. Hope you enjoyed today's especially wordy, extra-bitchy edition of Notes From the News. Now is the time on Nighthawk Postcards when we go driving:

Hey Mister, can I have my bumper back please? I need it for tomorrow's update!


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