02 September 2010

Sitting On A Park Bench, Eyeing Little Girls With The Notes From The News

Vilkommen, bienvenu, welcome, c'mon in! It's another steamy day in the big city, the holiday weekend is looming, and a hurricane is loping its way up the coast to mess with us tomorrow. We haven't had this much potential for disaster since the last time Rudy Giuliani put on a dress! But enough of this rash topical humor (for which I should maybe get a topical cream), let's boogie on over to the bumpers . . .

You fuck, you ratfuck, where were you? dept.: As we all no doubt know by now, Steve Carell is leaving The Office in order to pursue his movie career (which, given the relative suckitude of Date Night and Dinner With Schmucks, is maaaaaybe something he might want to think about a little harder). The show's producers have been in a tizzy trying to replace him, and names have been bounced around that range from the likely (members of the cast) to the unlikely (Ricky Gervais reprising his role from the original UK version). But now comes word that executive producer Paul Lieberstein wants to actively start pursuing . . . Harvey Keitel. Yep, you read that right. Lieberstein is convinced that Keitel is an untapped comic genius who just needs the right garden in which to blossom. What I think is that Lieberstein has been smoking some of that stuff Keitel's character was smoking in Bad Lieutenant. 

Nicolas Cage's $20 million dollar mismanagement lawsuit against his former accountant and business manager Samuel Levin has been dismissed, as has Levin's counterclaim against Cage. Which kind of sucks because now Cage has no recourse to his lost monies, and will hhave to resort to taking on fewer good roles in favor of higher-paying gigs in poorly written films, leading him to deliver some questionable performances for the sake of a paycheck, and  . . . HEEEYYY, WAIT A MINUTE . . .

Kelsey Grammer, who can't hold a show or a marriage together these days, has been Tweeting his fans about a possible Frasier reunion, centered on the sons of the Crane brothers, with cameos from original cast members -- presumably starting when the ratings start to tank three weeks into the poorly written first season.
Can Kelsey actually get this potential nostalgia-sucking shitshow off the ground before his first alimony payments come due? Time will tell.

This just in: Rapper T. I. was arrested in West Hollywood last night after he was caught smoking pot in his car, and . . . OH MY GOD! RAPPERS SMOKE WEED? HOW ARE THEY EVER GOING TO BE ROLE MODELS TO OUR CHILDREN NOW!? *sniff* There's . . . there's just nothing to believe in any more . . .

I am Hope, dept.: Neil Gaiman's classic horror/fantasy comic series Sandman may be coming to TV, possibly spurred by the mountain of positive buzz building behind AMC's The Walking Dead. Problem is, how do you make a workable TV show out of a sometimes-impressionistic comic series with a rotating cast of characters and several long-range story arcs? Well, Warner Bros., who owns the property, is hoping to do it by bringing in Supernatural creator Eric Kripke, as he's been doing more or less exactly that for the last five years. This could be awesome or it could be a noble failure or it could never happen. I'll remain cautiously optimistic for the time being and keep my fingers crossed.

In other Warner Bros. news, the studio just got decisively shot down by Angelina Jolie for the second time after seeking her once again to star in Alfonso Cuaron's upcoming film Gravity. Maybe she was concerned about what it might do to her bustline.

From a bad joke to a bad idea: Sci Fi Channel (I refuse to use that silly-assed other name they call it these days) is working on a prequel to J. M. Barrie's Peter Pan, called Neverland. [Insert Michael Jackson/Lost boys] joke here.] Writer/director Nick Willing (who is hopefully Ready and Able, though I doubt it) intends to focus his four hour miniseries on the story of how Peter, Captain Cook and the Boys all came to live in their mythical world where you can never grow old, fairy dust can make you fly, and Bob Hoskins is always Smee. That ticking sound you hear is a crocodile without an original idea in its stomach.

Dwayne "I use my first and last names now so you have to take me seriously as an actor" Johnson is going where Brendan Fraser has gone before and starring in Journey 2: Mysterious Island . . .  thereby sending the once-promising career of a halfway decent action hero firmly into the shadow of the valley of suck. Mourners please omit flowers.

Axl Rose, apparently under the mistaken impression that it's still 1990 and people actually give a shit about him, showed up late for a Guns 'n' Roses concert at O2 Arena in Dublin last night . . . then stormed off the stage just a few songs in because Irish fans who were pissed off at having to wait an extra 90 minutes to see his diva ass started throwing bottles at him. The best part? Concert promoters came out, apologized to the fans, and then forced Axl's bitch ass to finish the concert in front of a now mostly empty arena. That's the kind of thing that makes me proud to be Irish.

And that's the news. And now, the Doctor:

If the Daleks ever learn to accessorize, he is in so much trouble . . . 

Later, gators!

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