10 September 2010

You Better Turn Around And Throw Your Kiss Hello At The Notes From The News

Eh up! Welecome back my friends, to the show that never ends. After what looked like a bastard of a slow news day we wound up with a beautiful bounty of bumpers for you all, so without further delay, here's the news:

Word around the industry is that British actor Martin Freeman (Sherlock, The Office (British version)) is being seriously pursued by New Line/MGM to star as Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit. Freeman was reluctant to take the role on because he didn't want it to detract from his work on Sherlock, but latest word is that the studios have returned with an offer that would flex his schedule and allow him to portray both Bilbo and Dr. Watson. This is the kind of news the phrase "cautiously optimistic" was made for.

Danny McBride, currently working on 30 Minutes Or Less with not-as-funny-as-he-thinks-he-is TV icon Aziz Ansari, says they hope to collaborate on another movie after this one wraps. The new script is about an Olympic hero who comes back to his home town and sleeps with McBride and Ansari's girlfriends. They then proceed to try to ruin his life, because apparently grown adults in the movies are all twelve fucking years old. The planned title? Olympic-Size Asshole. Yeah, this sounds like good quality entertainment on a par with Freddy Got Fingered at a Date Movie With BrĂ¼no.

NBC has heard our cries of pain and has shown us mercy: There will be no Heroes movie. A nation weeps gratefully. 

OH MY GOD EVERYBODY FUCKING DROP EVERYTHING HOLY MACKAWACKADOODLEYDOO dept.: Roger Ebert is going to have a "Twitter Showdown" today (correction: tomorrow) at four to contend with Rainn WIlson, James Gunn, and a few others about the state of the film industry in 140 characters or less. Because that's how you have a substantial debate about anything, in sound bites instead of communicating actual ideas and evidence. To paraphrase another great critic, this runs the gamut of human experience from A to B.

Because Amy Winehouse isn't satisfied just ruining her life, she is now apparently going to ruin every good song she can get her hands on, starting with Lesley Gore's "It's My Party" You would cry too, if it happened to you.

Terrence Malick fans have been waiting for years to see his film The Tree of Life. Announced in 2005, the film has been saddled with numerous casting changes, rotating series of distributors, missed festival dates, and delay after delay in the premiere. Well, it looks like the waiting is over. Fox Seaerchlight has picked up the long-completed film and plans to release it . . . in 2011. D'OH!

The new trailer is out for Saw 3D: The Traps Come Alive -- and yes, that really is the title -- and great googley moogley, does this look like an everfucking turdburger. Pajiba refers to it as "Moronidiotardic," and I don't think I could improve on that if I tried. Sweet mother of fuck. 

Bruce "The Human Jawline" Campbell is working on a sequel to My Name Is Bruce called Bruce Vs. Frankenstein, which he described in a recent interview as a The Expendables of horror. he's dropping names like Robert Englund and Kane Hodder, and shooting everything on a soundstage in Oregon . . . but the only problem is that Bruce is fairly well locked into Burn Notice right now, and the script he has for the movie pretty much, in his description, blows. So that's promising.

There's a new poster out for Let Me In, the unwise American remake of the truly exceptional Swedish Let the Right One In. And it's actually a very artistic, ominous shot of star Chloe Moretz making a snow angeHOLY SHITBALLS WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DID THEY DO TO HER FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE? 

The Julie Taymor/U2 musical Spider-Man: Horrible Horseshit Turn Off The Dark got previewed on Good Morning America today, and walloping websnappers, this is going to be a fucking fiasco. I mean . . . I just . . . oh, fuggit. Just go see what's on Topless Robot. I can't even describe how utterly mind-numbingly, ridiculously, cringe-inducingly, pretentiously bad it is. Stan Lee at his palmiest was better than this. Whatever monumental numbnuts over at Marvel green-lit this should be forced to watch The Apple until his head does the asplodey.

And that's it from here. I'm still working on the Track By Track column, but it'll be here soon, I promise. This weekend, if I have my way. in the meantime, I leave you with the only thing that could possibly top Snoop Dogg throwing gang signs with a sea lion: Huey Lewis mugging with a harbor seal:

You're welcome.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

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