25 October 2010

I woke up in a Soho doorway, a policeman knew my Notes From The News

Greetings, one and all -- hope your weekend was good to you and that your Monday wasn't too bad. I'm still battling the bronchitis, though I feel immeasurably better today than I did this time last week. Hopefully by the time I run through the antibiotics I'll be back to my usual self. In the meantime you're stuck with my unusual self and the usual Newsnotes:

Mel Gibson is reportedly furious, FURIOUS do you hear, that the producers of The Hangover 2 would so casually kick him to the curb just because nobody wanted to work with his racist, abusive, crazy ass. He points out that Mike Tyson, who abused drugs and is a convicted rapist, made a similar cameo in the first movie and nobody batted an eye. Nobody has figured out yet how to explain to Mel that that's because Tyson has actually been contrite and regretful about his actions, while Mel is still just an abusive asshole who blames everyone else for his problems . . . but they will blow him first.

Kanye West: still an utter and complete douchebag.

The network with the stupid name -- no, the other one -- no, the next one -- has ordered a new Battlestar Galactica series, dealing with a young Bill Adama's early days aboard the Galactica during the Cylon Wars, before something horrible happened to his face and turned him into Edward James Olmos. After all, what's one more trip to a rapidly drying up well between friends, right?

Matt Parker and Trey Stone are apologizing for ripping off the website College Humor for South Park's Inception parody Now all we need to do is find out that College Humor ripped off Ebaum's and we'll understand that this is all just a dream. BRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMM

Armond White: still an utter and complete douchebag.

Underaged raccoon-eyed nitwit -- excuse me, Taylor Momsen -- decided it would be a good idea to flash her seventeen year old titties at a show last week, thereby implicating everyone at the show as an accessory to statutory rape under the law and earning herself a charge of public indecency. Or at least it would have if she'd been anyone but a semi-hot little rich girl who fails to see the consequences of her actions. Glad her parents are doing such a good job with her.

The Beastie Boys have finally announced that their new album, Hot Sauce Committee Part 1, which was due out last fall, and then delayed due to MCA's cancer treatment and subsequent recover, will now be out this coming spring. And it will not be titled Hot Sauce Committee Part 1, it will be titled Hot Sauce Committee Part 2. This is because the Beasties sat down and re-sequenced both albums, and found that Hot Sauce Committee Part 2 worked better as Hot Sauce Committee Part 1, and Hot Sauce Committee Part 1 worked better as  Hot Sauce Committee Part 2 and aside from that nothing has changed except that now I feel vaguely dizzy and need to go lie down.
Today in who gives a fuck:
  • Taylor Swift may be dating Jake Gyllenhaal. The two were seen holding hands in Brooklyn over the weekend -- until Kanye West ran up, shoved Taylor out of the way and started dry-humping Jake and shouting incoherently. 
  • Jack Black is producing an adaptation of the book How to Survive a Robot Apocalypse, which is surely a sign that robot apocalypses (apocalypsi?) have not only been done to death, they aren't even funny any more. 
  • CBS is developing a reality show in which attention whores -- um, sorry, famous people -- take the places of people who share their names, and try to pass themselves off as "normal," only to (presumably) ejaculate all over themselves when it's revealed who they really are. I would like to suggest Hulk Hogan, Pat Smear, and Lady Gaga as contestants. 

Uwe Boll: still an utter and complete douchebag

Nine Inch Nails' seminal album Pretty Hate Machine will be digitally re-mastered and re-released in a deluxe edition with a bonus track, which is great news for the couple of hundred people who still think that Nine Inch Nails is cool. 

Congratulations are due to Matt Damon and his wife Luciana on the birth of their daughter, Stella Zavala. Word is that Stella has already taken after her Jason Bourne playing dad and killed three male nurses with the nipple of her bottle.

Randy Quaid: still utterly and completely out of his everfucking mind. 

And that's it for this edition of the Notes From The News. Be back tomorrow when i will bring you more of the funky freaky foibles of the fulsomely famous fools you love to laugh at. Until then, it's time for us to fly:

Later, gators!

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