27 October 2010

I'll be the roundabout, the words will make you The Notes From The News

Howdy gang! Been kind of a slow one but I've finally collected enough silly stories in my sarcastic basket to -- wait, what the hell did I just write? I either need to start drinking more coffee or less coffee. Or maybe I just need to start drinking more scotch. I like that idea. Anyway, here's some news to cure your blues:

The New Zealand government has crawled so far up Peter Jackson's ass that they can see his esophagus, in what looks like a successful effort to keep The Hobbit production filming in the country. I don't have space to list everything they're doing here, but suffice it to say that Jackson and Warner Bros. are essentially going to be shitting money for years to come. And the people who are doing all the hard work to make sure this money gets made will receive, basically, shit. See, I told you Peter Jackson was kind of a douche.

In case you were wondering what the five worst TV shows of the new season were, wonder no more. Pajiba has a list. And I defy you to argue with it. Actually I just defy you in general; it's been that kind of day.

Bruce "The Human Chin" Campbell is demonstrably excellent towards all his fans, but this weekend at Zombicon he will be going above and beyond the call of duty -- and of Cthulhu -- by serving as the minister in a zombie themed wedding. Bonus: Ted "Joxur" Raimi will be an altar boy. The only way this could be any more awesome is if I had Lucy Lawless in my lap while I was typing this -- and since my wife might object to that strenuously with sharp implements, Bruce and Ted are about as awesome as things are gonna get.

Janet Jackson went on ABC News to talk about her new book and her ongoing body image issues, which date back to the 1970s when she was a semi-regular on Good Times and the producers made the wardrobe department tape her breasts down because she was too well developed. [Insert Justin Timberlake/Super Bowl joke here]

A tale told by an idiot, dept.: Four words: Rob Liefeld's Zombie Jesus. Which is every bit as godawful moronic shitballs crazy stoopid as you might imagine.

James Cameron is so full of good ideas that he's going to do two more Avatar movies. Translation: James Cameron has found two more semi-obscure science fiction novels he can cross with over-used script ideas in order to make more poorly written, over-hyped crapola you will pay a shitload of money to see because OMG PRETTY SHINY THING..

For the film is hollow, and I have touched this guy, dept.: The rumor mill is starting to ramp up around the next Star Trek film, which will be either Star Trek 2 or Star Trek XII, depending how you number it. Either way the "villain" will not be Khan, despite the masturbatory wish-fulfillment insistences of a bunch of annoying Trekkies who don't seem to understand that that part of the well has been sucked dry like Daniel Day Lewis drinking your fucking milkshake. Instead, according to scuttlebutt -- or someone's butt, anyway -- the villain is not going to be your standard model villain at all, though it will possibly be a recognizable character from the original series. Check the link for all sorts of mad speculations and givings of odds and other such fanboyish gushings. And then you may want to wipe off your keyboard. 

Today in who gives a fuck:
  • Conan O'Brien wants his Masturbating Bear and no amount of legal intimidation will stop him. Unless, you know, it's a team of Masturbating Bear lawyers, in which case there might be a problem. 
  • Twin brother Irish music thingy Jedward is all butthurt because apparently they are experiencing ongoing harassment by security agents at Heathrow airport. And the fact that I'm reporting this tells you exactly how desperate I am to fill some space today.  
  • GK films wants desperately to expand Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video into a feature length film. If this is successful maybe they could branch out and make a Lady Gaga video that doesn't make you want to tear your own eyes out and stomp them into jam. 
When the whip comes down, dept.: Disney is so horrified by admissions of drug use in Kieth Richards' autobiography that the studio is considering cutting his role from the new Pirates of the Caribbean sequel. In other news, Disney is apparently located in some remote corner of Pago pago's left asshole where there are no telephones, newspapers, internet, TV shows, or films, and thus was ignorant of Keef's life before now. (Actually, it turns out that this is a rumor that has since been discredited, but I was really proud of the "Pago Pago's left asshole" bit so I'm keeping it in.) 

And finally: Christopher Nolan has revealed the title of the next Batman film: The Dark Knight Rises. That's what she said. 

And that's all she wrote for this edition. Now, we present to you a couple of real swingers:

. . .  they've been doing that for eight days now. Nobody knows how to stop them. But everyone wishes someone did. 

Bye for now!

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