26 October 2010

Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong; my own beliefs are in my Notes From The News

Eh up! Welcome, welcome one and all to the onanism festival blog post. Hope you're all having a good day. I've had better ones myself, but I've also had worse ones so I can't complain. Much. But whether I'm bitching or not bitching I'm always bitchy. So without further ado, here now the Newsnotes:

Charlie Sheen the keen mean drinkin' machine is back to his old routine. Police were called to his New York hotel room last night after an extremely loaded and completely starkers Charlie trashed his hotel room. Apparently Mr. Sheen, who was in town with ex-wife Denise Richards and their children, had been partying with an unidentified woman and went nutsoroonie when hie couldn't find his wallet. (Which is understandable as he was naked and was probably desperate to buy himself some clothes.) Richards, who has earned herself this week's Patience Of A Saint award, accompanied Charlie to New York Hospital; he was expected to trash his room there as well.

The Hobbit Cast Death Watch Update: Sylvester McCoy, who once upon a time was the highly underrated Seventh Doctor on Doctor Who and did a bangup job as The Fool opposite Ian McKellen in Trevor Nunn's production of King Lear, has been cast as the wizard Radagast The Brown, a part barely alluded to in Tolkien's novel. Sadly we will now have to add his name to the ever growing list of actors whose lives will be claimed when Peter Jackson's eternally trouble-plagued production finally collapses in on itself and lays waste to everything within a fifty mile radius

Rumors are circulating that George Lucas may possibly kinda sorta perhaps tentatively thinking about producing some Star Wars sequels. Or not. I don't really care, I'm just linking to this because of the utterly god damn awesome photo in the article.

I don't want to go on the cart, dept. (Part One): Leo Cullum, one of The New Yorker's most popular cartoonists, has passed away after a long battle with cancer. Leo was 68 years old. His funeral is expected to be a small, quiet affair in which attendees will speak entirely in inscrutable bon mots that are only tangentially connected with what is going on.

There was a tiger attack at Russel Brand and Katy Perry's wedding this past weekend. Details are scant, but apparently the tiger was offended by two white-bread Westerners co-opting the Hindu religion for the sake of a drunken party. The tiger may or may not have dashed its brains out against a rock when Katy tried to calm it down by singing it a song. 

More news on the not at ALL a poorly thought out idea Top Gun sequel: director Tony Scott says the movie will not be about hot shot Navy pilots at all, but instead about the computer geeks who have apparently taken their place in Scott's fevered imagination. "These computer geeks -- these kids play war games in a trailer in Fallon, Nevada and if we ever went to war or were in the Middle East or the Far East or wherever it is, these guys can actually fly drones." HIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHH-WAAAYYYYY TOOOOOOO THE RESPAWN POINT!

Bieber. Hair. Glitter. Movie. 3-D. Apocalypse? Yes.

Today in who gives a fuck:
  • Mariah Carey may or may not be pregnant with a baby boy, which she may or may not have taken fertility drugs to help her conceive, which may or may not have caused her to gain weight earlier this year, and I may or may not give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut. 
  • Warner Bros. is developing a live action/CGI combo movie called Acme, set in the titular warehouse where the Loooney Tunes characters get all their wonderful toys. Except it won't be featuring any of the Looney Tunes characters. Why? Because Warner Bros. is collectively FUCKED IN THE HEAD. 
  • Mark Wahlberg will be starring in a buddy comedy called Ted; the twist in this case is that the buddy in question is a hard partying life-sized teddy bear voiced by Seth MacFarlane. This is a concept so high it has dreadlocks and thinks Haile Selassie is God. 

I don't want to go on the cart, dept. (Part Two): Alex Anderson, the unsung creator of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Dudley Do-Right, died this week at the age of 90, after a long battle with Alzheimer's. What will become of our stalwart moose and squirrel? Will Fearless Leader and his minions triumph at long last over our intrepid heroes? Tune in again for our next episode: As If Things Weren't Badenov, or: Boris Despite Her!

. . . And when you make a pun that terrible it's probably a good idea to go. Now is the time on Nighthawk Postcards when we go for a spin:

Bye now!

No comments:

Post a Comment