19 October 2010

There's a joke, and I know it very well. It's one of those I told you long ago; take my word, I'm the Notes From The News, don't you know

Hey all -- welcome back, and thank you for coming back. I appreciate each and every one of you in between spates of coughing my lungs up. I also appreciate my lungs, which is why I took it easy yesterday. I plan on getting back into the swing of things bit by bit over the course of the week, as I have some projects that are well overdue at this point and I want to get caught up on them -- but we'll start with a bevy of bumpers to satisfy your soul. Onward:

Remember Boxing Helena? No? Then you missed out on one of the all time great shithouse bugfuck crazy box office disasters in recent memory. And it turns out the director, Jennifer Chambers Lynch (daughter of Weirdmaster General David Lynch), has a new movie coming out. Not sure if Helena did so much damage to her career that it took her this long to land another film, or if she's just really really picky about the goofy ass scripts she films. Either way, Hisss is about . . . err . . . ummm . . . whooo boy. This mess makes Boxing Helena look like "Waltzing Matilda" by comparison.

I don't want to go on the cart, dept (Part One).: Barbara Billingsley, best known to the world as June Cleaver, passed away last weekend at the age of 91. Her last words were reportedly "Jive dudes don't got no sense nohow!"

Kanye West is pissed, yo. He's mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore! He can't believe that Def Jam banned -- BANNED, I TELLS YA! -- the planned cover for his new album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy because it had a nipple on there. Except that according to Def Jam, they didn't ban it, they stand behind his decision to use the cover art if that's what he wants, and intimates that maybe 'Ye is full of shit. Well! I'm shocked, SHOCKED that someone would suggest this about the voice of a generation.

 Angelina Jolie has had her filming permit restored in Bosnia after someone actually, oh, I dunno, read the script and found that the controversy over the potential love story between a Bosnian woman and her Serbian rapist was "unnecessary," probably because it didn't fucking exist in the first place. Jolie said she hopes peple will judge the film more objectively after it's actually been shot and is in the theaters. Meanwhile she's going back to filming her story, which is tentatively titled Lie Back and Take It, Bit -- nooooooo, noooooo, not going there, not going there. I'm a bad blogger. Someone spank me.

I don't want to go on the cart, dept. (Part Two): Tom Bosley, aka Mr. Howard Cunningham on Happy Days, has passed away in his Palm Springs home at the age of 83. I have no sarcastic crack to make here, as I am genuinely saddened by this. Tom was an integral part of my growing up, and what remains of my childhood has been diminished all over again at the news of his death. So long, Mr. C. You will be missed.

Thom Yorke, apparently laboring under the misconception that he is John Cage, is releasing a charity single called "Two Minute Silence" that is exactly what the title suggests. The funny part is that he actually collaborated with five other people to do this. 

Dimension Films is dead set to pursue its big-ticket remake of Hellraiser. And to make sure it is of the highest horror film quality, they are pursuing . . . Christian E. Christiansen? I had to actually look him up in IMDb and he seems to have an extensive resume in his native Denmark, and almost nothing here except an off-brand version of Single White Female called The Roommate, which is still in post-production. Hm. Well, at least they're getting good talent for it by pursuing a quality actress like . . .  Amber Heard? Hrm. Aside from Zombieland, her filmography doesn't exactly inspire either. Well, they should still be able to make it good by replicating or bettering all the gory effects of the original . . . wait, it's going to be PG-13?! You know what, fuck it, I give up. What's in the box? A gigantic load of ass.

Today in who gives a fuck: Lindsay Lohan is being urged to drop Dina Lohan as her manager because just having her as a mother is hazardous enough; Jenny McCarthy is officially either one of the most hardcore  people you will ever meet or one of the most imbecilic, possibly both; and the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano has declared Homer Simpson to be a true Catholic, leading one to believe that Guido Sarcucci really has been writing for them all these years.

Uma Thurman clearly has a problem getting the powdered sugar directly onto the Belgian waffle. *aHEM*

And finally: Ohhhhh, Bristol. Bristol Bristol Bristol. You're a cute kid and I'm sure you're happy in your life, but sweet Hay-Zeus Marimba, what the in the name of all things Fred and Ginger were you thinking last night on Dancing With the Stars? That was bad, and you should feel bad. Unless of course you were deliberately  trying to get thrown off the show, in which case: Well done! Well done indeed! (By the way, this is officially the silliest thing I have ever posted on this blog.)

Welp, that's all I can stands, I can't stands nummore. Now is the time on Nighthawk Postcards when we BLOOBLOOBLOOBLOOBLOOBLOOBLOOBLOO:


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