28 October 2010

When I get older I will be stronger; they'll call me Freedom, just like the Notes From The News.

Afternoon, all. Hope your day is treating you well. Mine is, and I have some very special news, but that'll have to wait until the end of today's post. Because not only am I a master of suspense, I also . . . eh, I'll tell you that later too. (Muaahahahaha.) In any event, here's some bumpers to bump you:

The badly named channel with the stupid movies -- no, the other one -- has decided that Caprica is not all that great after all, despite the obvious benefits of having Eric Stoltz as the star. This is good because you know Eric can be replaced with Michael J. Fox and everything will instantly get better. Despite this they have said that the first season of the show will also be its last, and that they will instead focus their efforts and their money on the Blood and Chrome version of the show, which takes place during the Cylon Wars and might actually be vaguely interesting. Of course, given the average SyFy budget, "interesting" in this case will mean that the Cylons are actually an unholy hybrid product of the mating between a polar bear and a Cadillac.

Entertainment Weekly is offering readers a first look at Chris Evans in his full Captain America togs, and based on the cover image in the link, I think I can safely say that the look of the character, at least, will not be a problem. Though Evans seems to have stolen Tom Hardy's lips.

So the new Mission Impossible sequel -- which producer, lead actor, and Grand High Poobah of  Wackaloon Tom Cruise insists is not a sequel, despite all direct evidence to the contrary -- has been given a new title. It will now be called Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Which would be fine so long as anyone actually knew what the frig a ghost protocol even is. Is that where you pass on the left even though you could just float right through because you're a ghost? I am confused. I'm betting I'll be even more confused after seeing the movie.

HBO has announced that the upcoming fifth season of the polygamist drama Big Love will be its last, so Chloe Seveigny will have to find something else to bitch about. [Insert Brown Bunny joke here.] 

I don't want to go on the cart, dept.: James MacArthur, better known to TV Land officianados and old people like me as Danny "Danno" Williams in the original Hawaii Five-0, died this morning at the age of 72. No cause of death was given, but we're pretty sure being 72 had at least a little something to do with it. MacArthur was fondly remembered by those who worked with him and never seemed to mind that he was best remembered as the subject of Jack Lord's immortal line, "Book 'em, Danno," rather than for any of the work he did on eleven of the show's twelve seasons. Godspeed, James. Hope Jack's waiting for you at the pearly gates with a couple of beers.

Devo has been forced to cancel its American tour after guitarist Ben Mothersbaugh injured his hand so seriously that his thumb was sliced open to the bone and a tendon was severed. Mothersbaugh will fully recover and the band will reschedule the dates, but in the meantime millions -- well, thousands -- well, hundre -- well, several Devo fans are going to be living in disappointment as well as in DEVOlution. (I kid, Devo fans, I kid. I know there are a lot of you. I just don't know why.) (Again, kidding. Here's hoping Ben has a speedy recovery.)

Sign of a desperate entertainment news blogger, dept.: Oprah Winfrey says that nobody will be allowed to use the word "bitch" on her new network. This means that Laid Back will never be able to perform "White Horse" on any of the shows there. Why does Oprah hate Laid Back? WHY, I ASK YOU?

Today in who gives a fuck:
  • Billy Ray Cyrus, one hit wonder, father of burgeoning pop slut Miley and least believable doctor in the history of bad television shows, is divorcing his wife Tish. Apparently Tish stopped speaking French to him. 
  • Turns out the frightened naked chick hiding in the closet of Charlie Sheen's hotel room the other night when he ad his coke-and-booze-fueled meltdown/redecorating party is upset people think she's a hooker. She wants it made perfectly clear that she isn't a prostitute -- she's a porn star. Well, that changes everything.   
  • David Arquette says he cried the first time he slept with someone besides his wife Courteney Cox Arquette. Which is a switch, as usually the women David sleeps with are the ones who cry when they wake up in the morning, see his face, the drugs wear off and they remember what happened
James Bond's Aston Martin DB5 from the film Goldfinger was sold at auction yesterday for $4 million to some dude with entirely too much disposable income and, no doubt, dreams of smoking Turkish cigarettes and drinking vodka martinis while shooting out the window at agents of SPECTRE and driving with his butt cheeks.

And finally: Mariah Carey is officially pregnant, so we can now officially move her out of the "Who gives a fuck" section and into the main portion of the column, where I will toss vaguely related pop culture references at her for a cheap laugh. Congratulations Mariah, and don't let the kid see Glitter until he or she is old enough to realize how utterly fucked up stupid it is. (See how that works?) 

And that's the Newsnotes. And, as it turns out, my bit of news dovetails nicely with Mariah's. My wife went to get her next ultrasound today, and we found out (SPOLIER ALERT) that we're expecting a little girl sometime around March 19 of next year. 

Well, thanks. I think so too. 

Later folks!

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