Hey there! I'm back and glad to be. Sorry about yesterday, I was ground down to a nubbin of nothin' by the time I got home and had no energy to even try to organize a blog post. I was lucky to organize taking my son to the grocery store. Fortunately I got a good price on him per pound, and . . . . nooooooooooo, no no no nooooooooooooo, joking joking joking. The kid's fine. He's digging for diamonds in the mines as we speak. And on an even less serious note than that, here now the news:
Kevin Smith has finished filming his latest movie, Red State, which is a horror film about . . . oh, like you care. It's another movie from Kevin Smith, which should fill you with all the indifference and boredom you feel about another movie from M. Night Shyamalambliesdownonbroadway. Or, conversely, with the annoyance and desire to punch him in the gut you reserve for that annoying kid on the airplane who keeps kicking the back of your seat.
One of the actor-y type people in the upcoming Julie Taymor/U2 cash sump, Spider-Man: Shell Out Some Dough, broke both his wrists while demonstrating one of the show's stunts for a small audience. The actor, Kevin Aubin, is said to be recovering and will return to the show as soon as he's fully healed. Which is too bad for him.
We're going snark-free for a moment to report that, sadly, Lily Allen has lost her baby 6 months into her pregnancy. This is the second time Lily has had a miscarriage, and speaking as someone whose wife is now five months into her own pregnancy, I can only imagine the heartbreak Lily must be enduring right now. I want to take a moment here to be completely serious and offer Lily my deepest, most profound condolences on her loss, and offer a small prayer for her to accept and to heal.
Academy Award winning screenwriter Will Rokos, who co-wrote Monster's Ball, is in critical but stable condition after being struck in the head by a New York City subway car. Yes, you read that correctly. Dude somehow managed to smack his head against an oncoming train while checking on the status of said train's arrival. And if life is anything like Hollywood screenplays, when Rokos comes to he will have amnesia and Sandra Bullock will be pretending she's his wife.
In other news, MC Hammer has responded to Jay-Z's one line joke about him in a Kanye West song by releasing a song of his own, accusing Jay-Z of being in league with the devil. The accompanying video features a Jay-Z lookalike with hilarious moobs being chased through the woods by a man in a plastic devil mask . . . until said devil offers up Jay-Z's familiar "Roc" gesture. 'Cause you know Satan be into bling and crunk and purple drank and all'at shit. In other other news, MC Hammer is absolutely out of his batshit little mind.
In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade, dept.: Seems that Drew Curtis over at Fark.com has gotten the notion in his head that Jon Stewart owes Reddit an apology for a backhanded compliment he paid them at a post-Rally For Sanity press conference. I don't have the space to go into it here, but Curtis, who has probably been spending too much time that the Fark "satellite offices" lately knocking back bottles of beer, stated in a not at all passive aggressive way that sites like Reddit and Fark are in no small way responsible for getting the word out on the Stewart/Colbert rallies. Even though he admits that Comedy Central really did the lion's share of the work. What's more, he insinuates that unless Stewart and Colbert make nicey nicey and pat Reddit on the fanny and blow in Fark's ear while giving it a little tug-job, maybe -- just maybe --the next time Comedy Central does something like this, the internet will take its ball and go home and not be so helpful and sweet. This made Curtis sound not at all like a petulant, childish ass -- and I didn't even mention his taking the "story" to Fox News to bitch about Stewart there. And the only thing more childish and assy than Drew's blog post were the reactions to it in the ensuing thread, where Farkers outdid even their own propensity for trollish mayhem. Best part? Reddit doesn't give a shit and a half who gets credit for any of it. Which makes Curtis look even more like a publicity grasping asshat. Which just goes to show that while the internet is a nice place to visit, you probably don't want to live here.
The Black Eyed Peas are being sued by a Texas based songwriter for allegedly violating his copyright and plagiarizing his composition "Take a Dive," and turning it into the Peas song "I Gotta Feeling." Which begs the question: why would anyone admit to his music sucking that badly?
Today in who gives a fuck:
- Courteney Cox-Arquette says she and her philandering husband David are not getting a divorce. So is she punishing him, or herself?
- Capri Anderson, the
hooker porn starletskank who is easily duped with promises of money and drugs, is suing Charlie Sheen for scaring the bejesus out of her during his coke-and-booze-fueled meltdown last week. Though considering she was going to sleep with Charlie for twelve large, Capri should probably not be bringing any court cases any time soon.
- Michael Jackson's new album is facing serious obstacles against its release, not the least of which is the fact that Michael Jackson is FUCKING DEAD. And therefore unable to come to the phone.
Hollywood, be warned: Randy Quaid is onto your star-whacking ass. He sees through you motherfuckers. He knows. He knows. Things. He has looked into the blackness of your little raisin hearts, and he has seen you and your conspiracies at work. He knows of your secret plots to turn Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and Dennis Quaid (oh my God, RUN DENNIS RUN) into casualties of their own fame because they are stars and therefore have no personal responsibility or accountability for anything they do, it's all someone else, man. Randy knows this. He's a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll . . . uh . . . well, you'll say "hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "Do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you . . . " I mean I'm . . . no, I can't . . . I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's . . . he's a great man! I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas . . . You sick star-whacking bastards and your attempt to hold The Randy responsible for his actions will pay for this outrage!
And now, a letter to Jack Black. Ahem. Dear Jack: AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
And that's all I have the stomach for today. More will be forthcoming tomorrow, so I will see you then. But now is the time on Nighthhawk Postcards when we run screaming away into the night because WHAT THE FUCK: