23 November 2010

In the days of my youth, I was told what it means to be the Notes From The News

Howdy do, hoopy froods! Been a longish sort of day and a slowish one to boot, but I remain undaunted and unshaken in my drive and desire to bring you the best in stupid crap on the internet! Aren't you lucky? Of course you are. Here now the news:

So yesterday the online film and geek and film geek media went insane over the story that Warner Bros. was considering rebooting Buffy the Vampire Slayer without Joss Whedon involved. What is interesting about this is that the exact same story went around the tubes of inter almost exactly a year ago, and nothing has come if it yet. The only difference this time is that a mediocre screenwriter's name is attached. Whedonites are nonetheless going absolutely full-on Reaver-style batshit, screeching about how this will ruin Buffy forever, and it will never be the same again, because you know, syndicated reruns, DVDs, and streaming video on Netxflix have all now been retconned out of fucking existence by Warner Bros.as well so we will never see Seth Green's shitty acting again. (You will excuse me while I roll my eyes and make a jerking-off motion while saying this.) About the only reasonable take on the matter is, typically, Whedon's, and even that take is one of muted, if sarcastic, resignation. Sorry Slayer fanatics. Looks like you'll have to stake out some new territory. (WHAT. I said it's been a long day, and I'm tired. Stop looking at me like that, dammit!) 

Not news: Quincy Jones does an interview with Us Weekly. News: Quincy says some critical and frankly, entirely accurate things about how Kanye West shouldn't be compared to him as a producer as there's really no comparison between them, and stresses that this is only because they do two completely different things, then goes out of his way to reiterate this on his own website and to give West major props. Which leads to WTF: Rolling Stone trumpeting, "QUINCY JONES LASHES OUT AT KANYE WEST ZOMG LOOKY LOOKY FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!" Because it's a slow news week and seriously, folks, what else did you expect from a shitty rag like Rolling Stone anyway?

Remember a few weeks ago when I reported that Adrien Brody was suing the producers of the Dario Argento-disowned Dario Argento-directed film Giallo, because Brody had never been paid for his work? Looks like a judge has agreed with him, and has ordered the producers to stop distributing DVDs of the film on Amazon until such time as they pay Brody for the use of his dewy-eyed, hangdog features. Meanwhile, Brody's eyebrows are demanding a separate deal of their own.

Pink, who is pregnant, says that as soon as her baby-to-be can say "mama," she'll be going on the road, and that they'll be a traveling caravan of Gypsies with garlands in their hair. Which actually doesn't sound at all weird coming from Pink. Doesn't really sound like a healthy way to raise a small child, though. Good luck, kid. Pray she doesn't turn into Courtney Love, Jr. in ten years.

Meanwhile, in an alternate universe where a mention on a dubious Haitian website equals an acting career, New York TV station WPIX is reporting that an "actor" who "appeared" on Ugly Betty and in the film Step Up 3-D went on a crazed rampage with a samurai sword last night, screaming Bible passages at his mother in their Brooklyn apartment and shouting for her to repent before murdering her. It's all sordid and strange and more than a little scary, especially in as much as nobody aside from BelFim.com seems to know anything about his so called career.  But this is about what I've come to expect from WPIX of late, as their newscasts have all the content of a Twinkie sucking on a helium balloon. 

Dr. Dre has announced that his upcoming album Detox will be his last, unless he decides to record a sequel titled Botox. Dre says would rather step behind the scenes and age gracefully than become a caricature of himself. Snoop Dogg, you listening?

Erstwhile alterna-rock darling PJ Harvey has announced that she will be releasing a new album on Valentine's Day of next year, which is all romantic and sweet and shit until you realize that this is PJ Harvey we're talking about, and that she apparently recorded most of it using autoharps. Because she doesn't know how to drive a harp with a manual transmission, one assumes. The album, perhaps overconfidently titled Let England Shake, will be out on Island Records and will soon thereafter be making its way to bargain bins worldwide. 

Today in who gives a fuck:
  • Courtney Love is being sued by jeweler Jacob & Co. for items that she (ahem) "borrowed" from them and never returned. Which is what happens when you loan valuable shit to a drug addict, so I have no sympathy for Jacob & Co. whatsoever. 
  • Taylor Momsen The Incredible Pantsless Human Raccoon has been suspended indefinitely from the set of Gossip Girls, because the producers have learned what the rest of us already knew: she's an over-privileged twat waffle with a highly inflated sense of her own importance. Also, there's the whole pantsless raccoon thing. 
  • This just in. Olivia Wilde has nipples. You're welcome, guys. 

The Sluttification of Miley Cyrus: the Final Chapter, dept.: Well, she's eighteen now, and her journey to the dark side is now complete. In just one or two short years our Miss Miley has gone from Teen Dream Queen to generating fake outrage by exposing her back to Annie Liebovitz, to humping stripper poles, to grinding her teen-drunk ass on old producers' laps, to wishing for titties that work, to rolling around in bed in her scantily whoa-mama, to being the product of a newly-broken home whose dad seems emotionally absent and whose mom apparently banged Bret Michaels on the side. And now here we are at the cusp of herr adulthood, and young Miley was spotted at her party grinding with (we presume) her boyfriend while wearing a leather bra. You go, Miley. You go. No. Please. JUST FUCKING GO ALREADY. 

In news that is sure to piss off Wesley Snipes and please anyone whose name is Bruce and likes to say "Bonzer!" in an unironic fashion, Australia has decided not to file criminal charges against Paul Hogan for tax avoision (SHUT UP I'LL USE THE DAMN WORD IF I WANT TO) after determining that winning a conviction would be highly unlikely because no matter what evidence they gave in court, Hogan would just say, "You call that a knife? THIS is a knife," and charm the britches off the bitches. 

And that's all for today. Tune in again tomorrow for more of the same -- aren't you lucky? Of course you are. See you then -- unless of course you do this, in which case you won't be seeing anything:


1 comment:

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