05 November 2010

Watch out, you might get what you're after; cool babies, strange but not a stranger. I'm an ordinary guy, burning down the Notes From The News

Hey there webizens! I'm here for a record two days in a row, can you believe it? Got a clean bill of health from my doctor on Wednesday too, so barring tragic accidents, unexpected maladies, or an invasion of Scarlett Johansson clones, I should be here on a more regular basis. Here now the news:

With great casting comes great responsibility, dept.: Martin Sheen and Sally Field are in negotiations to play Uncle Ben and Aunt May, respectively, in Marc Webb's Spider-Man reboot. So this cast is officially all over the bloodydamn map at this point, and at this rate Columbia may wind up spending more on actors than it does on effects. And even with that taken into account this will still be better than Raimi's third Spidey film.

The trailer for Zack Snyder's Sucker Punch is out and about, as you no doubt know by now. And my personal thoughts about Snyder aside for the time being (and oh yes indeed I have them), this thing looks like it could be the most batshit awesomeballs thing I've seen in a while. It could also be an incoherent, sloppy, oversaturated mess that is nonetheless pretty to look at, because ZOMG HOT CHIX WIT BOOBIES HURR HURR HURR. And you know what, I would be perfectly happy with either as long as Carla Gugino is in it. Cautious optimism abounds. 

For some bizarre, inexplicable reason, Conan O'Brien doesn't want Jay Leno as a guest on his new TBS late night show. Anyone have any idea why? This is a total mystery to me.

MGM death watch, dept.: the beleaguered studio insists it will be fine, just fine, and has plans to release the next James Bond film in 2012, in spite of being $4 billion in debt and having to turn to other studios and producers who actually have money to finance films -- and top presumably expect a return on those investments, which would eat up any potential profits that might revive MGM's (let's face it) nonexistent fortunes. But the studio insists that it's not dead, it's getting better, it thinks it'll go for a walk, IT FEEEELS HAPPY, IT FEEEEEELLLLLLSSS HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Non comics adaptation news: ABC has announced a new series that sounds suspiciously like Bill Willingham's amazing comic series Fables, except it somehow isn't in some key way that ABC has yet to reveal, probably because the guy ripping off Bill Willingham's comic for this series hasn't ripped that idea off from someone else just yet. Hope you have some good lawyers, Bill.

The BBC has issued an apology for incorrectly suggesting that money raised by Bob Geldof's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" was used to fund armed rebel groups in Ethiopia. In related news, we're still waiting for Bob Geldof to issue an apology for "Do They Know It's Christmas?" being a condescending, smarmy, holier-than-thou piece of crap. 

Comics adaptation news: Legendary director John Carpenter (and if I have to list his films here for you, you really ought to be reading another entertainment blog) is apparently set to bring the popular horror-action comic Darkchylde to the big screen. Which is awesome, because as far as I'm concerned you can never have too many ass-kicking blondes knocking evil on its pasty backside. Sarah Michelle Gellar, you listening?

Amy Wino Winehouse has done a cover version of "It's My Party" and holy fuck-a-roni. This is just. Unbelievably. Bad. Lesley Gore is out there somewhere finding a whole new meaning in the words "You would cry too, if it happened to you." Get thee to a rehabbery, Amy. Get thee hence.

This just in: Kate Gosselin is systematically destroying her children's lives, self-esteem, and future ability to function in an undamaged fashion. Oh wait, we already knew that, didn't we? Well, she's doing it again. And Jon's no prize either. Stay tuned for more Shit You Already Knew on Nighthawk Postcards!

Today in who gives a fuck:
  • Former teen heartthrob David Cassidy was busted on a DUI charge on Wednesday. Cassidy says he will fight the charge; it'll be interesting to hear how he plans to explain away the failed breath test and the half-empty bottle of bourbon in the back seat of his car. Of course, we're still waiting for him to explain David Cassidy: Man Under Cover.  
  • Holy shitballs! Miley Cyrus drank a beer! OH MY GOD TEENAGERS DRINKING BEER WHEN WILL THE INSANITY END?! 
  • The news American Idol hasn't even started airing yet, and already Jennifer Lopez and Ryan Seacrest are at each other's throats about the size of their paychecks. Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll suffocate on their own insufferable egotism. 

And now, an open letter to Martin Lawrence. Ahem. Dear Martin: PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY, STOP THIS SHIT AND GO THE HELL AWAY, YOU NO-TALENT DOUCHEBAG. FUCK YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR. EAT A BAG OF ANTHRAX AND BROKEN GLASS, AND THEN GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A BARBED WIRE DILDO. Thanks! With love, Nighthawk Postcards.

Finally: Every once in a while, a man does something that is so full of heartwarming, throat-lumping, unadulterated win that you canot help but stand up and give him massive props for it. Such is the case with one Leigh Gallagher, freelance comic artist and, right now, the most fucktastically awesome boyfriend in the history of boyfriends making other boyfriends look positively sick by comparison. What in the nebulous name of Nebuchadnezzar am I talking about, you ask? Well, my friend, I am talking about this. Congratulations, Niki. You landed one of the good ones.

And on that heartwarming note, I leave you with wishes for a good weekend. I would say more, but now is the time on Nighthawk Postcards when we apologize for the following interruption:



Later!

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