08 December 2010

Effect without a cause, sub-atomic laws, scientific pause, The Notes From The News

Greetings, fellow webizens! Hope your day has been good to you. Mine has . . . well . . . it's been. Not bad, not good, just there. Kind of a bad time of year for good stories. Nonetheless I got out my good shovel and my bad shoes and I dug up some delightful dung for you to pinch your nose at. Regardez!

And you will know her by her trail of Steadman, dept.: Oprah Winfrey, who is kicking off the 25th and (thankfully) final season of her daytime bread-and-circus-sideshow-act by taking an entire studio audience to Australia with her (I shit you not), has officially landed Down Under. Her first act? Going on Aussie TV and talking about watching koalas mating. Stay classy, Oprah.

The Wachowski Bros. are developing -- that is to say, trying to develop -- that is to say, talking about developing -- a modern, "urban" version of Robin Hood, to be called, simply, Hood, because hey! Original! The brothers W. are talking to actors already, including Will Smith, because you know, urban! Given that the Wachowskis' last movie was the universally reviled Speed Racer, if I were the Fresh Prince I'd be hauling my ass to the nearest Scientology compound post-haste to get away from this shit.

The trailer for Showtime's new show The Borgias has hit, and the only thing I can say about it is that I can't wait for Bill Donohue to mistakenly and absolutely lose his shit about it. 

The Hobbit cast deathwatch update, WTF edition: Wingut Films is reporting that Cate Blanchett has been signed to reprise her role as Galadriel in Peter Jackson's upcoming adaptation of Tolkien's novel. Which is all fine and good except that GALADRIEL NEVER FUCKING APPEARS IN THE HOBBIT GOD DAMN IT. This is a continuity blortch on the level of having the Minas Tirith signal fires on top of mountains so tall that the air is too thin for a fire to burn properly. And don't even get me started on Haldir showing up at Helm's Deep with a couple hundred of his clones in tow. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go buy a Lovely Bones DVD just so I can burn the fucking thing. 

Johnny Depp is heartbroken, heartbroken as a clubbed harp seal he tells ya, about losing People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" distinction to Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds' poufy hair, and Ryan Reynolds' studly studly abs. But who needs all that anyway, when Tim Burton keeps throwing money at you just to act fey in someone else's work? 

AV Club has its annual list of the year's best music out. Go and check up on what you missed -- or, if you're my age, read down the list of names with gradually increasing dread, and the dawning knowledge that you've finally gotten so old that popular music has left your wrinkled ass in the dust for good. 

Today in who gives a fuck:
  • Katy Perry is changing her name. Now she just has to figure out how she's going to fit "talentless hypocritical skankmanimous hose beast" in a single line on her business cards. 
  • Well known actor, man about town and eater of entire sushi restaurant menus Jeremy Piven has started dating some random blonde chick who was the fiance of some other actor dude who was on The Hills. I'll keep on this story and let you know if anything happens that will wake me up from my scotch induced indifferent stupor. 
  • Oh, before I forget: Celine Dion had twins some time in the recent past, and congratumalations to her on that. Bonus: She's named the two boys Nelson and Eddy. Which is just so goddamned odd and retro vintage awesome that it almost broke the story out of the WGAF bullet points and into the regular column. But her voice hurts my ears, so it stays here. 

Adam Sandler and Kevin James are making another movie together, because seriously, what else are they suited for besides this kind of unfunny, pointless, drool-inducing, not-even-better-than-gouging-
your-eyes-out-with-a-melon-baller shit? Valet Guys. Yay boo. I can just feel my IQ dropping already. 

Wesley Snipes: Finally on his way to jail. Osama Bin Laden? Still at large. 

Rapper Redman says the How High sequel is probably never going to happen. He and Method Man would love to do it but yo, they can't remember where they put the script and shit, maaaannnnnnn . . . . 

And that's the news. And now, the Wookie.


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