01 December 2010

I dreamed I saw the Notes From The News last night, alive as you or me

Hey hey, holy mackerel, no doubt about it, Hump Day has humped itself along into Hump Eve, and Eve was kind enough not to press charges, so here we are again with our usual compendium of cool and crazy. And rather than keep you waiting, here now the news:

Lindsay Lohan is being seriously considered for the next season of Dancing With the Stars. This could lead to an awesome comeback for LiLo, or public humiliation and an eventual relapse. Or Dina Lohan could insist on way too much free shit and ruin everything for the poor kid, because seriously, what else is Dina for?

Sounds like trouble in Zombieland: The Walking Dead producer Frank Darabont has fired the show's entire writing staff -- which sounds like a real dick move until you realize that said staff is responsible for maybe two out of the six scripts written for the first season. Sources at the show say no final decision has been made, but Darabont seems intent on using freelancers to save money. Which does not bode well for the show's second season. Sorry, deadites. Looks like you may get bitten on this one.

And I thought it was the cats that had nine lives. Brandon Camp has plans to extend his father Joe's Benji film franchise, and will soon begin a nationwide search for a pound pup to fittingly portray the title pooch. Speaking purely out of Gen-X nostalgia, I will say that I grew up with the Benji movies, I know that they are unadulterated cutesy-pie schmaltz, and nevertheless I love them all (except for that piece of shit Chevy Chase one), and I wish Brandon lots of luck in his endeavor. May your movies be making you millions in Milk Bones for years to come.

Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci say they've now broken the story for the next Star Trek film. So, uh, some glue is probably in order then.

Celebrities such as Stefani "Lady Gaga" Germanotta, Jennifer Hudson, Ryan Seacrest, Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Elijah Wood, Serena Williams, and Alicia Keys are all signing off of Twitter today in order to raise money for Keys' charity, Keep A Child Alive. Which is all very noble and all very heartwarming, I'm sure, until you realize that the people doing this are collectively worth a billion dollars or two, and apparently can't be buggered to do more than log off the internet and appear in ads showing them in coffins, which is more of a "Hey, look at me and give your money!" Now I'm sure that all of these folks have contributed to Keys' cause monetarily and I am in no way trying to belittle it. But that said, Kim Kardashian will get up out of her coffin and walk away. And a week later we will have forgotten this, and all these "digital deaths" will be a footnote to a sidebar. I think the goal is laudable, but the method? Just attention whoring.

This just in: Jack White has come to the sobering realization that a great many of his fans and Third Man Records membership holders are ungrateful little dickbags. Welcome to the Internet, Jack. 

Today in who gives a fuck:
  • Jennifer Lopez is trying to block her ex-husband Ojai Noa from releasing a "sex tape" in which she publicly flashes her vagoo. Not sure where on the planet that's actually considered sex, but okay. 
  • Kate "LOOK AT ME I'M AN ATTENTION WHORE" Gosselin insists her kids weren't expelled from their school. They were instead asked politely to leave because it was best for them to do so. Um, yeah. They call that expulsion Kate. You twittering twat. 
  • Semi-famous former child actor and drug addict Jodie Sweetin has released the first photographs of her daughter Bea, and awwwwwwwww look it's a little Jodie clone. How cute! I may get diabetes. 

ABC may be taking a whimsical look at the wild and woolly world of . . . food trucks. Because you know that potential salmonella and surly, sweaty hipster servers and their Euorpean immigrant bosses are just fuckin' hysterical. I can't stop laughing just thinking about it. But that's because the medication has kicked in.

Matt Lauer thinks the size of your package is hysterical.

Say, have you accidentally swallowed a bottle of Janitor In A Drum? Are you Bulimic? Do you need to induce vomiting but have no ipecac, and have recently misplaced your ostrich feather and accidentally amputated all your fingers and toes? Well then, here's an article about the upcoming sex scene in Twilight: Breaking Dawn for you. You're welcome!

Well, I think I'd better get going before the twihards get here and start calling for my blood or biting my pillows or something. Now is the time on Nighthawk Postcards when we dance:

Come to the Dark Side! We have MARACAS!


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