09 December 2010

I've seen fire and I've seen rain, I've seen Notes From The News that I thought would never end

Pop quiz, Hotshot: What do you get when your Thursday is more like a Monday? Answer: I dunno, but the attitude it engenders has probably bled over just slightly into today's bumpers. Be warned! Abandon all enter, ye who hope here. And all that happy crappy. Here now the news:

Christina Aguilera is blaming a hacker for leaking racy and semi-nude photos of her onto the internet. Aguilera claims the photos were stolen from her stylist's account, and that they were used in a "personal exchange" between the stylist and Aguilera. There is no word as to whether the aforementioned exchange involved the use of battery operated devices and various "warming" oils.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist, in the type of magnanimous gesture only a lame-duck politician can afford to indulge himself in, has persuaded the state's Board of Executive Clemency to agree to issue a pardon for Jim Morrison for his 1969 arrest, after a notorious concert where Morrison allegedly exposed himself to the audience. And if you're sensing a theme in today's news notes regarding the private parts of celebrities, I assure you it is not intentional. Now, who's the next naked moron in the news? 

The BBC adaptation of Douglas Adams' Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency has a trailer out, and though it isn't as instantly compelling as Sherlock was, it looks sufficiently Gently-esque to possibly get me to watch it if it airs here in the states. Though really I just want to read The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul again, because god damn it that is a good book.  

Zombie Michael Jackson has released his first video from beyond the grave -- and it is, perhaps predictably, a mawkish, over-sentimental tear-jerker, not even redeemed by the laughable Akon overdubs. Commence yawning . . . now. 

Watch out, celebrities. Ricky Gervais is coming back to the Golden Globe awards, and he is aiming at your ass, or your botoxed lips, or whatever other portion of your anatomy presents itself. In short: yer fucked. And we are amused.

The Sundance festival has announced its short film slate, and as usual there's a ripe crop of WTF to be had. From Julia Stiles meeting her boyfriend's wife in Neil LaBute's Sexting to Tim and Eric's The Terrys, about a couple of guys who get wasted and conceive a child (like you do), there's no shortage of head scratchers. But the biggest "buh?" for me has to be Adam Yauch's Fight For Your Right Revisited, which is a semi-remake of the Beastie Boys' original video starring Elijah Wood, Danny McBride, Seth Rogen, Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, and Jack Black. Which is very nice, but as far as I'm concerned it's more evidence that the Beasties would rather do just about anything than actually work on the album they were supposed to have released last year. Flame on, I'm gone. 

Today in who gives a fuck:
  • Liv Tyler says she doesn't know much about dating. I feel a disturbance in the Force. As if millions of male voices suddenly cried out "I CAN SHOW HER ALL ABOUT THAT HURR DURR HURRDURRDURR!!!" and were suddenly silenced. Except for the soft moans. 
  • Gwynneth Paltrow is in New York, and complains that she's freezing her ass off. To which I would like to respond: Fuck you, you self-important waffle of twat. You know who's freezing their asses off out there? Elderly people who can't afford to pay their heat bills and/or whose landlords can't be bothered to fix the fucking furnaces. So load your non-freezing ass out of your nice five star hotel room and into your nice warm limo and GO FUCK YOURSELF. 
  • Angelina Jolie says she wouldn't mind having more kids. After all, there are symbolic orphans in every country, and she hasn't collected herself a full set yet. 

The Hobbit cast death watch, oh I give the fuck up already edition: Reports are surfacing today that Peter Jackson and Wingnut Films, in a desperate gambit to draw in fans of the original movie who never read Tolkien and a move calculated to exasperate and drive away Tolkien purists, are close to signing Orlando Bloom to reprise his role as Legolas in the two-part epic. Because Jackson won't be satisfied until he shits on every last bit of the considerable goodwill that the LotR movies made for him. As a fan of the movies and of the books, all I can say is FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Despite stories claiming the contrary, Ridley Scott's two part Alien prequel will start filming in March of next year. Scott, who has apparently run out of good and original ideas for the time being, is to be called Paradise and the wish list of actors includes Nomi Rapace (but nobody knows how to pronounce her name so they won't call her), Michael Fassbender (who reportedly wants more money than he's actually worth), and Michelle Yeoh, who Scott wants for the part of a tough-but-sexy stock cliche character called Vickers. Because tons of Chinese women with noticeable accents have last names like that. I get the idea that the only number Scott doesn't have in his Rolodex these days is Verisimilitude's. 

Once-famous, now-irrelevant hair metal media whore Tommy Lee has sent a very very stern and angry letter to Sea World, demanding that they stop masturbating killer whales with cow vaginas full of water. Then Tommy realized he was just flashing back to his wedding night with Pamela Anderson.

And that's it from this end of the asylum. Tomorrow's column may be a little late as I'm running an errand in the afternmoon, but I'll do my best to post it ASAP. Until then, have a good one, and remember to be careful while surfing the Internet:

You never know what kind of malware is out there.


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