07 December 2010

So you think you're a Romeo, playing a part in the Notes From The News

Greetings, felicitations, salutations, exhalations and mastu -- wait, no. Strike that last one from the record. Thanks. I suppose I should just move on before I embarrass myself, but then that would mean there would be no Newsnotes and I would have to write about something else. Like maybe finish my next Track By Track column (yeah I know, don't remind me, it's still on the way as soon as I have two minutes to rub together.) And since we certainly can't be having any of that around here, bump up on some bumpers: 

Katy Perry was on The Simpsons on Sunday, in a "live action" puppet segment that was apparently supposed to poke fun at her canceled guest spot on Sesame Street. Except it mostly seemed to revolve around bawdy puppet sex jokes and culminated (if that's the word) with Moe "accidentally" shoving his face into her vagoo. I report this not to show you what a classless act Katy Perry is, but to show you how far the once-mighty Simpsons has fallen. Please, please please please let's stop watching this show, and maybe Fox will finally put us out of its misery. 

Neil Patrick Harris will be hosting Spike TV's Video Game Awards, which is quite a coup for Spike, and probably a step down for Neil. 

Alan Cumming (we will now pause for thirty seconds of childish giggling over that last name because HURR DURR it's the internet) gives a great interview to the AV Club where he talks about Shakespeare, Smurfs, being out as an actor in conservative (yes, really) Hollywood, and how being famous can get you free shit. 

Speaking of the AV Club: Stop being nice to Billy Corgan, you guys. Seriously, just stop it. You're only going to encourage him. 

This just in: well-known show-killer Eliza Dushku has helpfully killed her next show, Bird Dog, by simply leaving the production before TNT had a chance to pay for any episodes. Dushku's next move will be to get her next six shows canceled all at once by simply thinking about being in them.

Today in who gives a fuck:
  • There's a so-far unsubstantiated rumor going around that Kim "Kim Kardashian" Kardashian is pregnant . . . and that the father of the child is none other than your friend and his, Mr. Kanye West. If true, this child has the portential to be the Kwisatz Haderach of obnoxious behavior. (Update: Kim K is not having Yeezy's baby. Thanks be to God.) 
  • Kevin Smith: still a self-righteous assbag who thinks flying in this day and age ought to be a customer friendly experience. yeah, good luck with that, Kev. 
  • That skanky chick on Jersey Shore -- no, the other one . . . no, the other other one . . . is demanding that her ex-boyfriend and former manager (because it's always a good idea to combine those) return certain, um, derogatory photos of her that he has in his possession. And believe it or not, we here at Nighthawk Postcards would like to join her in demanding their return. We have no desire to see nude photos of this skankmanimous hose beast smeared all over the internet. There are plenty of other ipecacs out there as it is. 
And now, here's Hayden Christiansen looking constipated in the trailer for his new movie, Vanishing on 7th Street, which is about . . . um . . . well, to tell you the truth, it's probably about 90 minutes more of Hayden Christiansen than I really ever wanted to see in my life.

For the record, it took one dude with $500,000 worth of disposable income and a charitable bent to get all those attention whores narcissists "celebrities" back on Twitter. We're glad the whole thing has ended in a beneficial manner for Alicia Keys' charity . . . but it is worth noting that where AIDS is concerned, a million bucks is a drop in the fucking bucket, especially in Africa. And please note that while the kids still need help, Ryan Seacrest at least has moved on to more important things.

People talk all the time about what a pernicious, terrible influence TV is on children and how it may sway them to do senseless and silly things. They don't tell you about what it does to the adults. Please join me in my new public awareness group, STOP DOING STUPID SHIT BECAUSE YOU LIKE TV SHOWS. Because a brain is a terrible thing to turn into a pile of cheezy goo. 

And that's it from me for this round of Newsnotes. Now is the time on Nighthawk Postcards when we lose your files:


No comments:

Post a Comment