It's Monday! And I'm just as thrilled by that as you are. Here now the news:
That's it, everybody out of the goddamned spider-pool. I was willing to follow along with Marc Webb on this whole Spider-Man reboot deal, even when he cast Rhys Ifans as The Lizard and Sally Field as Aunt May. But, seriously? Casting Peter Parker's parents? And the villain will now be -- Proto-Goblin? Whoever the fuck he is? Yeah. No thanks. I'm now officially waiting for the video release
FX has canceled 'Terriers," which is a shame, because I'd seen critics raving about it but hadn't seen it yet. And apparently I wasn't alone in not seeing it, as the show is now the lowest-rated first-year drama in the entire history of television. I'd apologize to the producers, writers and actors, but let's face it -- I don't know who any of them are. (Like any of them know who I am, HA HA HA I WILL DIE UNKNOWN AND OBSCURE AND IT'S FUNNY DAMMIT)
Former Dora the Explorer voice Caitlin Sanchez has withdrawn her lawsuit against Nickelodeon, MTV and Viacom over improper compensation, after the parties reached an undisclosed agreement. This could be anything from a renegotiated contract to a pizza party and we'd never know. Nor would most of us give a rancid rat's asshole if we did. This has been your Not-Really-News News of the day. Stay tuned now for "Let's Injure Dave!"
In further news about Kirsten Dunst's boobies (see last Friday's Newsnotes if you're really that interested), the actress will appear nude in Lars Von Trier's next torture porn film dressed up as an "artistic statement" Melancholia, and adds that we should "get used to" seeing her in her birthday suit. See? That's torture porn right there.
Pop Quiz, hotshot: What do the movies Once, The King's Speech, Blue Valentine, and Scary Movie all have in common? Let me answer for you: They all received egregiously arbitrary ratings from the MPAA. I would say more about this subject, but I'm afraid the MPAA would then rate my blog NC-17 and nobody would be able to find it at Blockbuster.
Beating an undead horse, dept.: It was only a matter of time before someone took a look at the success of the Twilight movies and thought, "Hey, wasn't there some other done-to-death vampire thing that was all about romance and eroticism, only it was passably well written?" At which point someone called Anne Rice. Now it looks as though there may be a reboot of Rice's Vampire Chronicles series in the works, and a possible candidate to play the vampire Lestat is . . . Robert Downey, Jr. No, I'm serious, stop fucking laughing, dammit!
Today in who gives a fuck:
- Josh Duhamel says he learned his lesson after being kicked off a plane after being a complete and utter dickbag to a flight attendant who told him to turn off his Blackberry during a flight: "I've learned that it's best to always turn them off." So . . . he's still a dickbag, in other words.
- Amber Heard? Is a lesbian. When it gets to Amber seen being a lesbian, wake me up.
- Chelsea Handler has some choice words for Angelina Jolie, and none of them are "Merry Christmas." When Chelsea was done, Jennifer Aniston bought her a vodka distillery.
Robert Downey, Jr. plays everyone in the universe, dept.: I swear, the guy is trying to take on the title of hardest-working man in show business. Now he's linked to an untitled musical comedy for Warners, which is described as the tale of a pair of Broadway songwriters whose big-break musical eats the pipe on opening night. No word on whether Downey will attempt to master an Irish accent in order to convincingly play Bono, but you never know . . .
There is no truth to the rumor that the government has shut down Tumblr for 19 hours because they found a picture of Julian Assange's cat on there. NO TRUTH WHATSOEVER, DO YOU HEAR? Julian doesn't have a cat. And even if he did he wouldn't post pictures of her hacking into the DoD database on Tumblr. It's just not done. In other news, neither is there any truth to the new rumor that just cropped up a second ago that this is all an attempt by me to start a vicious and unsubstantiated rumor about Tumblr. In other other news, I seem to have been permanently banned from Tumblr now. I don't know why.
Finally: Oh sweet mother of fuck. There are no words for the horror I am about to unleash upon you and for that, I apologize. But I'm going to unleash it anyway. Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I give you the atrocity that is the trailer for The Beaver. Jodie Foster, you have done a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, BAD thing here. Say, did I mention how bad it was? Because it's bad.
And that's all I can stand on a Monday. Now is the time on Nighthawk Postcrds when we tell you to go blow:
Oh, that's where Lindsay Lohan left her stash!